Sunday, December 21, 2014

to my teenage daughter

Oh tender heart, aching longing heart
Strings drawn taut
Full to overflowing, spilling up past
Throat pulled tight and flowing salty down cheeks
Love hurts
Heart strings, like apron strings, tied tightly round our babies
No longer babies
Long arms and legs dangling, exploring
Finding difficult things
Come back to the cradle
Let me wrap you in flannelette
Keep you warm and safe forever
It cannot be
The tearing sounds like blasting away rock
Like the birthing pains that first ushered you in to change my world forever
This heaving, aching labour feels as if it will break my heart in two
The glimpses of the beauty ahead
Unique and amazing adult
Daughter and friend more lovely than even baby-you
Give strength to persevere, perspire through
To gird up the muscles of my heart
And anticipate this birthing

Thursday, December 18, 2014

what do you want?

Two weeks ago I had a date with God. He told me to ask him for things.

Stuff. Just ask, then get. Materialism. Consumerism. Hoarding. Shopping therapy. Clutter. Keeping up with the Joneses. Wastefulness. Greed. More. - all things I worried might happen if I became too focused on asking God for things.

What did happen: security. Peace. Desire for better gifts. Real gifts. Realization. That the best gift - the only gift I really want is God. Closeness. Intimacy. Understanding. Knowledge. Revelation. Presence. "This is Eternal life...."

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

not the virgin-birth you always thought

Virgin - pure, clean, spotless, unused, pristine, untouched...

This word is used as an adjective for many things, but none so well known as the Virgin Mary. The Holy mother.

Mary - chosen of God, obedient, good. Some would even say perfect. However, I believe she was chosen, as a virgin, not because this somehow made her worthy, holy. But because it was a powerful symbol to the culture of that day - and has continued to be so for centuries. The virgin- birth was both a miracle to prove/signify the diety of Jesus, and a symbol of the purity of God. This symbol was so powerful because of the beliefs about women in that time - not the other way around. The way we sometimes look at things, you'd think Jesus was virgin-born because it's the right way to do it.

In this age of rape-culture and awareness of the oppression of women, I think it needs to be said that Mary's virginity made her no more worthy to be the mother of Jesus than her being born in that century did. When a woman is raped or chooses to have sex, she does not become used or dirty or defiled. Just like a man doesn't become these things. And God choosing a virgin-birth for His Son - His greatest gift humanity has ever seen - is about the powerful symbol and miracle this would be readily recognised as - not a statement on the purity of virgins.

I just thought this needed to be said at this time of year, to this powerful generation of question-askers and advocates-for-those-wronged. I'm proud of this new generation who refuse to accept without question things that should be questioned.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

ask, as a command

" It's been a long time since we had a tea-date," He whispered as I half-dozed between hitting "snooze" and the alarm going off. And I realized He was right. I had not made a date with God in a terribly long time. I hadn't meant to ignore him - life just gets in the way sometimes. It was a Thursday so no chance to carve out any time today, but Friday morning could still be reserved. "Ok," I said as I turned off the alarm, "I'll see you tomorrow morning." All day, I found myself thinking about that date. And I tried to prepare the way I might for a planned date with my husband. I began to anticipate with joy the planned time with God.

In the morning, after driving the kids to school and picking up a tea at Tim Hortons, I hurried home, found my slippers and pulled up to the table with a Bible. I paused. I had no idea where I should read. I started talking out loud to God as I thumbed through the pages. I told Him how I had missed our time together - how I had gotten distracted with busyness. Glancing down, I saw the Bible was open to John 15. "Oh, boring, I thought, almost without realizing - "the vine, the branches, abide...nothing new here."  Still I began to skim through, then read more carefully. I read right through to the end of chapter 16. When I stopped, I realized two phrases stood out - they stood out because they were repeated. Each appears in chapter 15 and again in 16. Isn't it cool how God has wired our brain to notice - even identify with things that we have seen before?

The first phrase that caught my attention was, "..that your joy may be full." In chapter 15:11, Jesus is telling them why He has urged them to obey his commands - so that His joy may be in them, and their joy may be full. Easy enough - obey His commands for full joy. Here, His command seems to be to love one another. I already knew this was one of the main themes of John 15. However, in chapter 16:24, it follows, "Ask and you will receive.." Here, Jesus seems to be saying that one of the keys to full joy is asking for things. "Interesting," I thought, but I hadn't quite grasped it yet - and God knew it. He drew my attention to the next repeated phrase - "whatever you ask the Father in my name, He may (will) give you." In chapter 16, this is right before the "joy" phrase. Jesus has just talked with his disciples about his leaving - how they will have sorrow, but it is necessary so that the Holy Spirit will come. He comforts them by looking forward to the day when they will be together again - on the other side of that sorrow. Then He reminds them that anything they ask will be given. It seems He admonished them a little, saying, "Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." There it was! A command. Is God telling me He wants me to ask for things? I had always been taught a healthy (I thought) fear of selfish prayers that were nothing more than shopping lists for God. I was starting to see a bit of error there, though. Coupled with sayings like, "God helps those who help themselves," and "All we can do is pray," we are on dangerous ground   Jesus knew self-sufficiency would be one of the biggest joy-stealers his disciples would face after He left. They would struggle to go to God without Jesus, as a physical person, there to see, touch. Connecting with God via the Holy Spirit requires training our spiritual muscles. Lights were beginning to come on in my head - wow, "ask" as a command. But I still hadn't checked out the other reference for that 2nd phrase - the one about God giving us whatever we ask. I flipped back to chapter 15:16,17. It says, "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in my name He may give you.  These things I command you, that you love one another." I always thought the command, here was to love one another, but it says "these things" so what are the commands? If verse 17 is saying that He commands these things to help us love one another, then verse 16 must be the commands. That would mean Jesus was commanding his disciples to 1. bear fruit, 2. keep that fruit, and 3. ask for things. I was overwhelmed. I asked God what He wanted me to ask for, reminding Him that it is He who gives me the desires of my heart. Then I felt very strongly what I should ask. So I did. And it's the biggest physical thing I have ever purposefully asked of God. I guess I'll write about it when it happens.

I should just say that I was reading a New King James Version for this. And when I looked this up in a couple of other versions to write about it, I noticed that none of the others I checked has "command" as a plural in 15:16,  however, since it was really just confirmation of what God had already shown me in chapter 16, I wouldn't be bothered if only the version I "happened" to be reading puts it this way.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

purposeful pain

"I am an explorer, then, and I am also a stalker, or the instrument of the hunt itself. Certain Indians used to carve long grooves along the wooden shafts of their arrows. They called the grooves "lightening marks," because they resembled the curved fissure lightening slices down the trunks of trees. The function of lightening marks is this: if the arrow fails to kill the game, blood from a deep wound will channel along the lightening mark, streak down the arrow shaft, and spatter to the ground, laying a trail dripped on broadleaves, on stones, that the barefoot and trembling archer can follow into whatever deep or rare wilderness it leads." Annie Dillard, (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek)

Sometimes the drops of blood we follow are from those long gone - they have left a legacy- a mark on this world that inspires us to good and real and true living. Sometimes, however, the drops are fresh. Left by someone we know and hold dear. And we can see the striations being carved, painfully, into their life. We hurt for them, but we are thankful because it is not their blood that is dripping down. It is the Lifegiver's own blood. The arrow that is our own sister, our friend, has pierced the very Creator and He is carving lightening marks into her life so that His soul-filling blood can drip down to the ground, to lie at our feet. I want to bravely, reverently, follow into the deep wilderness. I will be mindful of the painful carvings that have provided my path. And I will be thankful.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

a good God

weary soul, aching with hurt and loss.
trusting. but, deep inside, a question lingers.
why?
confused. believing in a good God.
a powerful God.
a powerful God who allows hurt?

the puzzle pieces will not align.
what does it mean?

then, a glimpse. a little boy who doesn't understand.
but fully trusts the ones who choose pain for him.
pain with a beautiful purpose.

a good God after all.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

a simple look at Leviticus, I mean really simple

I've been reading Leviticus lately for a "big picture" message from God - asking Him, " What did you want me to really get from all this?" All the conditions, loopholes, "ifs", and "thens" are overwhelming in their exactness. I know there are many reasons God gave this book and it is a prototype for creating laws, but for me...what does God have to say to me? And I'm only 6 chapters in, but I'm starting to think the answers may not lie in deep understanding and heavy word-study, but in my initial honest reaction to what I am reading. That reaction is simple: "Wow, controlling everyone's sin is complicated and overwhelming." And that reaction sets me up to really appreciate Jesus' teaching. "Guys, aren't you tired of all this sorting and finger-pointing? It's all about the heart. Follow Me"

Thursday, June 5, 2014

guest post - by Colin (my OTL)


And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” 

Matthew 5:19

“Peter, Andrew, James, John…let’s go for a walk.  You have been living your life all these years on the sea.  Come let me show you what you should see.” Immediately they left all and followed him.

Where did he take them?  Did they just stay on the well-worn paths?  Did they visit all the typical sites of business and commerce, trade and tourism?  Yes they went to all of the synagogues but it wasn’t to talk religion.  They went all over proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom.  Jesus didn’t just talk about the kingdom; he showed them about the kingdom.  He got right down with the sick, the diseased, and the oppressed and healed them all.  He was more concerned about the marginalized than the rich and influential.  Untouchable leper?  The ugly and deformed?  The poor and hungry?  Mentally and spiritually oppressed and dysfunctional? He went to them.  He found them where they were and he healed them all.  He didn’t judge, he loved.  He didn’t see damaged goods that should be thrown away, he saw people who were hurting.

 

And a scribe came up and said to him, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.”  And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” 

                                                                                                            Matthew 8:19-20

Jesus was street engaged.  He had no home.  Do you think that he understands what it is to be homeless?  The King of Kings could have had all that any man could ever want or need, but he chose the streets.  He knew that to reach the poor and oppressed he needed to be with them.  And so he walked.  He walked for over three years with his disciples.  He tried to teach them not to see the problem but to see the person.  Worn old woman with an issue of blood to be avoided?  No a loving child of God who needed but a touch.  A dangerous, fearful demon possessed oddity to be chained and left in the tombs for dead?  No a man who needed to hear the words of God and is now seated and in his right mind.

 

And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in the synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction.  When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like a sheep without a shepherd.  Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.”

                                                                                                            Matthew 9:35-38

 

I recently went on a street walk with Grace Street Mission.  It was one of the most impactful evenings I can remember.  We walked through a city that I thought I knew.  In amongst the high price condos, busy commercial streets and high rise business towers are some of the most marginalized people of Halifax.  Oh I have seen the homeless around, begging on the street corners.  I have passed the addict sitting on the side of the street.  This walk showed me that although I may have looked at these people, I had never really seen them.  Where do they sleep?  What do they eat?  How are they able to practice basic personal hygiene? What do they do for companionship, friendship?  Do they worry about their safety? In my little bubble world, I never stopped to see the addict as a person.  I have never tried to understand the mentally and spiritually oppressed and the challenge that is really theirs.  We are always taught to not give them any money…they will only spend it on drugs or alcohol.  Maybe…but what would they be willing to do to get the money they need?  When others look at you like trash you tend not to see the value that you have and are willing to do almost anything, no matter how degrading, to get what you need.  When I help them, I am giving them dignity.  I am saying that you don’t need to do what you were about to do.  You are a person and not trash.  The same people who taught us not to give to the addict always taught us the importance of leaving a tip at a restaurant.  Do you judge how your server will spend the money?  Does the clean cut, polite waiter deserve my money any more than the dirty unkempt guy on the street corner? 

I was challenged when I looked at how Jesus looked at the needy.  He looked with compassion.  People who are on the street don’t need our pity, they need our compassion.  That being said, I know that it isn’t possible for me to spend all my time down on the streets helping others.  With that in mind I started looking at others that are in need around me.  What about the lonely student away from home?  What about the single mother suffering from depression and is overwhelmed with raising her children on her own?  What about the husband struggling to find work to support his family?  Don’t just look around you…see around you.  The harvest is great and the workers are few.  In some small way I choose to be a worker of compassion today.  If you ask him, Jesus might take you on a walk today.  If he does, you will never be the same.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

one short evening at the MacDougalls

I always forget just how easy it is to make any meal taste gourmet - just add goat cheese. Tonight I arrived home from work an hour later than usual (about 730) because I stopped to visit a friend's mom who is in hospital after a heart attack. The girls had made a "snack plate" to hold them over till supper. A snack plate is any meat, cheese, veggies, and fruit they can find in the fridge. And pickles. Always pickles. When I got home, I put some bacon in the oven, mixed up some pancakes, scrambled eggs, and fruit. I also reheated some leftover burgers in the oven. (Ashlin's not a fan of breakfast-for-supper.) My burger was topped with goat cheese, bacon, mayo, mustard, and pickles. It was so delicious. Thank you, goat cheese; you saved the day again! After supper, it was bedtime for Laurie, Marcella got a shower, and Ashlin worked on homework at the table while I washed the dishes. It was a short but lovely evening.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

but I waaant it!

I feel like I think I should be able to do whatever I want and not have it affect my life in any way. Spiritually, I'm a Starbucks-sipping, Uggs-wearing white girl; petulantly expecting Daddy to pay for everything with no responsibility on my part. Sure, I throw him a hug and a "thank you, Daddy" once in a while. Then it's right back to frivolously enjoying privileges that cost me nothing. Privileges that I have come to count as my right. Who hasn't seen this spoiled child and thought, "She just needs a little hardship in her life. That would give her a little depth of character."?

Thank you, God, for the difficulties and trouble you put in my life. Thank you that, like a good parent, you allow some things in my life that will help shape me and give me depth of character.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

little lambs

Once a little lamb was born and the Shepherd could tell it was a feeble little lamb who would easily be led astray - who would not readily know the Shepherd's voice. So He slipped a bell around the neck of another little lamb; her sister, born only the summer before. This lamb would know the Shepherds call and would guide the little one in the right paths through the lush valleys and steep mountains. As time went on, the bell became a burden to the older lamb, but she bore it gladly because of her love for the little lamb. Only the Shepherd ever knew how effective and necessary was that bell. One day, when both lambs had grown into wise old ewes, the younger one realized what a gift the older one had been to her and how she had carried an extra burden for all those years, just for her. And she wept at the beauty and importance of the gift.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

whose sin?

John chapter 9 begins with Jesus and his disciples walking along together when they see a man who had been born blind. I assume they know this because they are familiar with the man - in any case, they are aware that he was born that way. Jesus' disciples/students are curious about the current issues facing such people and are trying to figure it all out using the leading theories of the day. Since, in their minds, it was a given that disability was a result of sin, they were curious as to whose sin caused this disability. I mean, it only makes sense that it wasn't the baby - he was born with the problem and could hardly have sinned before birth. And if it were the parents, why was their child struck with the disability, and not themselves? They knew just who to ask - Jesus was so wise and would be able to solve this issue once and for all. But that's not how it happened. Jesus hardly answered their question. They gave him both options - it wasn't a yes or no question - it was an "either/or" question, but Jesus' answer: "No, it wasn't." And then he went on to talk about God's work being displayed and about being the light of the world. Hardly the answer they were looking for. Sure, this man's blindness might have been just so Jesus could do a miracle, but what about all the other people who had disabilities? Jesus healed many, but he didn't heal everyone. And what about those people's sin? Surely that had to be addressed.
 The more I think about this story, the more I realize that Jesus said more by what he didn't say than what he did. When we give God a multiple-choice question, we rarely get an answer. We now believe that disabilities, whether someone is born with it or develops it later, are not a direct result of that person's or anyone else's sin. So we can see the foolishness of the disciples' question. But it wasn't foolish to them, and it was many years before those thoughts about disabilities were changed. This all makes me wonder what multiple-choice questions I am putting to God - not even aware that it is my thinking that needs to change. I believe Jesus' answer displays his infinite wisdom. He simply says it is not because of sin. He doesn't give an intellectual formula that explains all the sickness in the world. Rather, he shifts their focus to things they do need to know and understand.
 There are many things I don't understand - many "current issues" that I would love to sort out and have a simple answer for. Then I could easily state my beliefs and pick a side of the issue and take a stand against the wrong side. However, it's not difficult to see where that would lead. No, Jesus would just tell me, "No, you haven't figured it out. But remember, I already told you what was most important: Love God and love your neighbour."

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

2014 plans, in list form; and thankfulness for the year that was

general plans

Learn to cook basic meal recipes
Teach the kids to cook basics
Daily crunches and push-ups
Floss more
Write a blogpost every month
Write at least 6 poems
Write an old fashioned letter to a friend/loved one each month
Push my family towards an active lifestyle - even my lazy teenagers :)
Embrace the early morning and learn to enjoy its quiet
Find the hidden mysteries in Matthew 13 & 14
Write favorite passages from the Bible in my own words
Pray aloud
Run and walk as part of my weekly routine
Sing

Reading list

The Daily Reader by Fred White - selections of great prose and poetry to inspire a productive and meaningful writing life
I am a Taxi by Deborah Ellis (the author of The Breadwinner)
Survivors. Children of the Halifax Explosion by Janet F. Kitz
A secular history book on the Roman customs and culture during the time of Jesus (I'd love suggestions)
A book recommended by my dad
Something about the Irish potato famine - again, suggestions welcome
Bible sections on my horizon: the 7 churches in Revelation; Matthew; the differences/similarities between God's revealing Himself via the Law and via Grace
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Gift by Lewis Hyde (actually, to finish reading this, as I've been reading it for a couple of years now)
Oh, I hope to read so much more than this, but these will get me started.

Thankfulness for 2013

I can't even imagine God having more gifts in store for me in 2014 because 2013 was so FULL of gifts!! Some of the gifts that stand out are: Health - finally, finally feeling healthy and not experiencing pain every day. This gift is huge and I feel like having it at the top of my thankful-list is appropriate.
Peace - the restaurant is doing well...not so well that I'm not on my knees regularly, but I am able to see it as a huge gift and hold it with open hands.
Ministry - I finally, after a lifetime of wanting to feel useful to God, feel that He has me in places of use to Him. Mostly, I feel as though I have a front-row seat to watch Him work. And who doesn't want the front-row to the greatest show on earth, and arguably the universe. :)
Rescue - 2013 was the year of my own Red Sea crossing experience. And I am blown away by God's love and faithfulness to me.
People - my life has been filled with the gift of people. Amazing family and friends have surrounded my, often difficult, journey. Last year I was blessed with amazing co-workers who gave energy and beauty to my days as well as helping me see myself in new ways. They will always be one of my favourite 2013 blessings.
Study - in the fall, I was so blessed to be part of a Beth Moore study - Esther - at my Mom's with some amazing women. I learned a lot from the study, and a lot from the women.
Support - I am so incredibly blessed with parents who love and support me and my family, even to their own hurt. I am thankful that they are still modeling for me that true love that never withholds even when loving hurts.
I know there are more - thousands of them. Thank You, Maker of the universe, for Your fingerprints all over my story.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

january

sweet month of beginnings
of reflection
and new hope

for me, a month of lists
of thanksgiving
of fresh starts

365 days of possibility
of tiny changes
of baby steps

who have I become?
who will I be?
hope - in list format