a day in the life

open hands

2011-09-05T22:49:00.003-03:00

Ok, I am sooooo being tested on my last post. Today was painful, and I really struggled to accept it as a gift. I know there is a way to hold my hands open to receive His gifts, to accept and not fight the difficulty. Tonight I read to Marcella and Laurie from a Bible story book we've been reading for a while. Tonight's story was Daniel and the Lion's Den. In the story, Daniel walked confidently to the lion's den - not because he knew he wouldn't be consumed by the lions, but because he trusted in God and he accepted this circumstance as from God. I would like to be like Daniel. Can I trust Him in every difficulty? The proof is in the gift of His Son. How would He give such a gift and not care for me in other matters? Jesus is the ultimate proof of God's love for me.

my life: one giant reno

2011-09-03T22:52:00.004-03:00

My sweet sister told me I should be blogging a bit about this "building a restaurant" experience...."not that you have anything else to do," she laughed. I said she and Jen and Colin and Dad are doing all the hard stuff. I'm just going around in a fog most of the time. It is seriously one of the biggest rollercoaster rides I've ever been on. One day everything goes wrong: the oven, already in place, is the wrong oven for our amperage; the new fridge doesn't work; our debit machine isn't connecting to the router; delays, delays, delays. How will we get the front of the building painted? can we even get scaffolding that will work there? when will we ever get our logo back from the designer? can we build a shelf to fit in that tiny spot where we need to put the coffee maker? the building owner still hasn't gotten his stuff out of the basement. AAAArrrrgggh! But then, the next day everything's coming up roses: The new oven will be here next week; the plumber can come on Tuesday; the Coast calls wanting to set up an interview, yay, free press! My biggest challenge is to trust God on both types of days. He is a Good God, and only gives Good Gifts - no matter what I think of them. So I try to thank Him on the difficult days, and not just thank Him for the things He will do, but for the difficulties. It is proof that I trust Him and that I believe He is good. It's actually a bit freeing: I don't need to decide what is good and what is bad; what to accept and what to reject. All gifts from my Father are good. I need not shield my potential for joy from the winds of difficulty. God can take care of these things for me.

I'll try to post a few pictures of our work-in-progress, but no promises. (I'm too busy painting) And school starts on Tuesday. I still need to go school supply shopping. Eeeeeek!

and all is right that seems most wrong if it be His sweet will

2011-04-06T14:34:00.002-03:00

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled, My soul also is greatly troubled. But you, O Lord - how long?

pop culture and God

2011-03-29T22:15:00.007-03:00

I was listening to CBC radio this afternoon (I really enjoy CBC, sometimes). Anyway, the show was about making mistakes. People had called or written in about mistakes they had made. One guy was telling about his "favourite" mistake, and the announcer asked him, "So, what did you learn from this mistake." The guy's remark gives a lot of insight into what many people, today, believe about God and religion and sin. He said, basically, "I don't believe in learning from mistakes. We're all taught that we're sinners from birth, and we have to be taught - to learn from the priest or whoever how to live properly. And I don't buy into all that stuff." I'm always interested to hear what people think about God, or even about Christianity. What do people today believe about God? What kind of God do they think He is? What kinds of messages about Him are finding their way into the hearts of His creation? I welcome any stories you may have about what people believe about God.

before my cross

2011-03-24T09:07:00.003-03:00

thought I was ready
taking up that cross
following, following
I will stay close
(bring it on?)

I must go back
- missed something
I enter the stillness of the garden
in the time before the morning
someone is crying
"Nevertheless..."

my cross is too heavy
the garden is the only way
"not my will" can bear this crushing cross
the Father has drawn me
so I can come to the One
the One who bears His own cross

having surrendered to the One
who made the stars and the sky
I can take up my cross
and follow

with fear I follow
for I know I must come to the place
that still echoes, resounds with
"Father, forgive them!"

woman at the well

2011-03-13T23:03:00.004-03:00

We're reading through Genesis at the Senior's Bible Study I go to on Thursdays. And Pat, one of the lovely ladies who comes, always has the coolest insights. Last week we read the story of Abraham sending Eliezer to find a bride for Isaac. When we finished reading, Pat says, "This story reminds me of the one in the New Testament, where Jesus meets the woman at the well." Such a simple observation, but I hadn't put those 2 stories together before. I'm really enjoying thinking on the comparisons. I mean Eliezer is a picture of the Holy Spirit - sent to find a bride. And the test he uses to find her is one of humility and willingness - the girl not only would give him water, but would offer to draw water for all his camels too. Then she was given a choice: "Will you go?" The woman at the well was also asked for water and then Jesus' questions required honesty and humility. But most importantly, Jesus also gave her a choice: "If you had asked, He would have given you living water." The woman made a good choice and asked for the Living Water. Rebekah, likewise, chose to go with the servant. I am thankful for the Servant who is bearing me to my Isaac. The journey is long and sometimes difficult, but God's Servant protects and sustains me. The day will soon be here when I will "light off my camel" and prepare to meet my Isaac!

for you, Janelle

2011-02-23T14:23:00.001-04:00

Just a few random photos for Aunt Janelley, who misses her crazy nieces so much! xoxo

life is beautiful

2011-01-29T14:01:00.002-04:00

I've totally been counting my blessings lately - a good exercise - and I have waaay too many. If another complaint escapes my lips, you have permission to give me a stern talking to.
For the month of January, I've been working a few more dayshifts than usual because Carolyn, our adorable Filipino daytimer, has been studying to take her Canadian dental exam. So Colin and I have been getting a bit of quality time together at work. And we really enjoy working together. Aside from a few winks from behind the dough rack, it's mostly because we just get to chat about daily issues as we work, or come up with funny but potentially effective Gospel messages. I know most wives don't get to share that part of their husband's day, so I really count that as a blessing.
The other day Laurie was "hobbling" around with an empty wrapping paper roll, using it as a cane. She says, "I don't know how old people WALK with these things!"
There's a young guy we were working with in December whose wife is expecting their first baby in March. His priorities (from his lips) are, in this order: kid, car, wife. It made me doubly thankful for my cute, little blue Kia. - it's zippy, but couldn't possibly be considered ahead of me in a priority list :)
Last night, I gave the girls an evening nap (although Laurie's the only one who slept) so we could all go to the airport to meet Nana and Neechie. We are so excited to have Nana a part of our daily lives! I can't wait to hear all her Irish childhood stories. Anyway, her flight was a bit delayed, so while we waited we had a bit of an airport party with the rest of the family. There's just something about a midnight party that is extremely exciting when you're a kid (or a kid at heart). I love the little things that are really big things!
The girls and I headed out for a little fresh air this afternoon before I grab a quick nap (before going to work). We walked down to the duck pond and found it was frozen and people were skating on it. We took a few slides on our boots before turning for home and we plan to take the skates there tomorrow afternoon.

my Life Hero

2011-01-26T13:11:00.003-04:00

Ever watch a movie or read a book where the hero is just so amazing that no matter how bad the circumstances, you know he will save the day? In fact, the more terrible and impossible the circumstances, the more excited you are to see what he will do to make everything right again? I actually love those stories. And aren't we in one? I mean God is the Ultimate Hero, and He already Saved the Ultimate Day, but in my life story, He is also the hero, saving the day again and again. And that's really what I signed up for when I believed Him. I said, "Here's my lifestory - take it and make it really exciting, so that those who 'read' it will see living proof that You can and will be everything You've said You are!"
As long as I can remember, I've believed that God is Enough..... that, no matter how boring, deprived, or pathetic my circumstances, He is ALL I need. I've always believed this, but proving it is another story :) And I feel like maybe this is the aspect of Him that He's asking me to show with my life. And so, when I am completely overwhelmed with the lack of amazing, exciting, and fabulous things in my life, I can be sure that this grey backdrop is sure to show-up the brilliant rainbow of God's Love. (*disclaimer: although my job, house, lifestyle, clothes, etc may all lack "status" or other things considered desirable here in North America, you can be sure I am more than aware of the incredible blessings that have been poured over me in PEOPLE! I've always said that God has given me all my blessings in people and I wouldn't trade even one of the amazing people in my life for all of the material blessings in the world!)
So, stay tuned to the exciting story of my life to see my Hero save the day - every day! And remember: just when things feel and look their darkest and most impossible, that's when our Life Hero will do the impossible and bring good out of the most regrettable circumstances!

laurie laughter

2010-08-17T22:55:00.003-03:00

This is Laurie on our vacation in July. She was eating her hot dog when she stopped and said, "My hot dog has a wart!"

Today Ashlin finally changed her earrings. She's been counting down the days until she could change them (6 weeks). She was soooo excited. Laurie was there when she was taking the original ones out for the first time. She couldn't get them out and I had to help.... yeah, all my earring experience! Anyway, I got them out. As Ashlin walked away to check out her ear holes in the mirror, Laurie says, "Whew!...I thought they would be gushing blood." She is so funny. She really makes me laugh every day!

nearer my God to thee

2010-05-13T22:04:00.002-03:00

Being cast upon God is amazing. Lately, I've needed Him moment by moment. And He has met me with a smile, a thought, or a friend each time I've really needed Him. When I was feeling overcome by despair, and feared Satan's taunts that I really am alone and forgotten, He gave me the physical peace to match what I knew intellectually. He doesn't want me to wallow in self-pity. How could I? He has blessed me above all that I could ask or think - except for this trial, which I'm certain is a blessing in disguise. I want to be like Joseph and say, "God meant it for good." Oh, I'm not saying I'm contented to remain in this trial for one second longer than He has measured - but since this is where I am, I'm so glad to be in a place where I literally run to my Bible to see what He has to say to me next. I feel the same anticipation as when I check my email - "any messages from God?" He also surprises me with encouragement when I'm not expecting Him at all. Tonight we went to "String Night," a giant orchestra performance by violin and cello students from all over Halifax. Marcella is in first year violin. It was spectacular! About half-way through the evening, one of the pieces played was "Nearer My God to Thee." Remember, this is music taught through the school system. That piece was not played by mere co-incidence. God had them play it just for me. He is just that amazing!

nearer my God to thee

nearer to thee

even though it be a cross

that raiseth me

yet in my dreams i be

nearer my God to thee

nearer to thee

casting out fear and doubt

2010-05-10T14:18:00.002-03:00

Yet I am confident that I will see the LORD's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13, 14

And so, LORD, where do I put my hope?
My only hope is in You.
Psalm 39:7

crazy life

2010-05-02T17:16:00.003-03:00

at lunch today, Laurie took a bite of her chicken. It was really hot. She said, "That is soooo hot. I could roast marshmallows with my breath!"

at supper tonight, she was telling us about her two legs..."this leg bleeds, but this one just gets hurt and stuff."

I think God gave me all of my blessings in people. Could there be any nuttier kids? Or a lovlier husband? Oh, I wouldn't trade any of my blessings for anything! We had a discussion at work a few weeks ago about winning the lottery. Two of my co-workers were discussing the saying, "you can't buy happiness." They were saying that with $30 million, you could - you could even buy love with that much. It made me think of all of the things in my life I wouldn't trade for 30 million dollars. I pray that God will give you, reader, the desires of your heart - not what your heart desires, but that He will give you desires that will give you true happiness. That's what I pray for.

"Then, God's fire upon the altar
of my heart was set aflame.
I will never cease to praise Him.
Glory, glory to His Name!"

i will rejoice

2010-01-18T15:32:00.002-04:00

Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. Habakkuk 3:17, 18

i am sure

2010-01-15T15:52:00.003-04:00

God is good.
He cannot be otherwise.
His goodness does not depend on me.
I cannot merit His goodness.
He will give me His best for me simply because I am His child. (also His doing)
When all human logic points otherwise, still He is good.
I cannot obtain better than God's goodness for me.
When I search out other means of getting goodness for myself,
I call Him a liar.
He will never, never forget me or leave me in distress without it being for my good.
He is the Almighty God.
Satan whispers in my ear, "Why should He remember you? You have done no great thing for Him."
I have not. But He has done great things for me.
Even when I cannot understand His timing, He is perfect.

"I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD." Psalm 116:17

relevant truth

2010-01-13T20:14:00.002-04:00

The Christian-radio preacher summed up his message: "No doubt there are many out there thinking, 'I'd love to come to Jesus, but you don't know what I've done.' Well, God does, and there is no sin too big for Him to forgive" He went on expounding on the love of God. Wouldn't that be easy....if the world really were thinking such things? Maybe these evangelists pretend this is an actual issue because it's one that's so easily dealt with.

No, what the majority of people are wondering is: "How is God or sin or morality or Jesus even relevant to me?" How indeed, in this age of truth - truth that is no more than an opinion which each person must form on his own. Why should I rely on something so ancient as morality? I must cultivate my own virtue by following my heart and mind. No one else can tell me what is right for me. This train of thought, although disguised as new, has been around for a very, very long time. It was being written about in the early 1700's. Interestingly, each generation thinks they have found new ideas that give freedom. There are no modern ideas - just old ones in new packaging. The poison of this attack on truth is slow but deadly. It creates a lack of revelancy for truth, goodness, and love.

God doesn't re-package His truths in shiny, new paper. He makes no apologies for His laws. Goodness and wisdom will always grow best in the soil of obedience to God - obedience to the truths revealed in the Bible.

It isn't that there is no room for proclaiming God's love - there is no greater proclamation. However, we must sometimes begin further back. The relevancy of God. The immutibility of truth. The limitations of humanity.

"Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe."
"Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men."
1Corinthians 1:20,21,25

excitement at esl

2009-11-17T22:13:00.002-04:00

I had such a fun night at esl tonight. Unfortunately, there was one scary(at the time, but funny now) moment. We were sitting discussing our vocabulary words - always a long task with any Spanish-speakers in the class - and Yeoung Jeoung (sp?) casually mentions, "Oh, there's a rat." It was so casual, that I didn't believe him. But as he continued to look past me into the kitchen (to which our classroom is linked with a doorway, with no door), I jumped up squealing, tore open the door, and ran out into the main room where David's class was being held. They all looked at me (mildly, I thought), as I jumped up on a table, still squealing about the mouse. I was the ONLY one who was the least bit scared. Yeoung Jeoung and Christopher were truly surprised that I insisted we move to the next classroom which had a door. I had a good opportunity to explain the word, "phobia." I'm still surprised about the lack of mass-panic. But Christopher explained that one of the most common dishes in Columbia is guinea pig. yummy.

conversation with laurie and eva

2009-11-16T14:09:00.003-04:00

Laurie and Eva are sitting at the table, playing play-doh, and discussing computer games and websites.
Laurie - "Eva, have you ever been on Starfall?"
Eva - "What IS Starfall?"
Laurie - "I guess that's a no."

I think Laurie's been spending too much time with Ashlin.

Later,

Eva, after spotting my cool salt&pepper shakers on the back of my stove - "Hey, my mom has the same salt&peppers."
Me - "Yeah, Aunt Janelley brought them to us when she came back from Zambia."
Eva - "Zambia!? Where's Zambia?"
Laurie, incredulous - "You don't know??! It's in India!"
Me - "Africa."
Laurie - "Oh, yeah. Africa, Africa."
Eva - "Why does Aunt Janelley always go to Africa?"

being a mom....losing my mind

2009-11-12T09:55:00.002-04:00

Ok, I'm feeling like a total failure as a mom today. Ashlin (10) has transformed into the haughty-est of preteens. Usually, she is funny and quirky with only hints of "I'm-better-than-the-universe"ish-ness. But this morning....ahhhh, this morning. I've had 10 years to prepare for this, so how is it possible that I have NO idea how to react? My best reaction?...the BEST thing I could come up with?....the I-can-be-angrier-than-you attack. Fail. I recomposed myself and tried a better strategy. A hug with "I don't understand, but I love you." Seemed to work, but then...NO! I got the "I don't know why I don't just run away!" And I still have no idea what prompted these outbursts. They were all over little nothings - Laurie looked at her the wrong way. Ok, patience is totally not my strong point. And I'll admit I tend to use anger as a reset button when things are escalating with the kids. But how can you even reason with someone who is completely set on being contrary and irritable and, in short, holding the entire family hostage?? (No, I'm not refering to Colin, hee hee, although Ashlin IS a mini-Colin) Hey, maybe that's a key....How do I "manage" Colin? can I use the same tactics? No, seriously, I think this is not a time for tactics, but for me to learn and develop patience and incredibly humble honesty. You can parent young children while letting your own flaws slide, but when they get old enough to see through all that, you really just need to be honest with them and yourself. I am not perfect. I am not the commander-supreme anymore. It's a sad day. :) I can expect to be called on every inconsistancy in my life for the next (how long till Laurie's 20?) 14 years?? Ahhhhhh. Somebody help.

sing

2009-10-22T23:02:00.002-03:00

O Creator,
thank You for making
my lifesong sing to You
even when i feel
out of tune.
tune me to Your ear
and make my lifesong
SING.

2009-06-08T10:08:00.002-03:00

o love that will not let me go
i rest my weary soul in thee
i give thee back the life i owe
that in thine ocean's depths its flow
may richer, fuller be

o joy that seekest me through pain
i cannot close my heart to thee
i trace the rainbow through the rain
and feel the promise is not vain
that morn shall tearless be

roast beef dinner

2009-03-10T09:22:00.002-03:00

I backed the van out of the ice-covered parking spot, and headed for the highway that would take me downtown. Saying goodbye to Nana, as she headed back out west, was a sad occasion, but roast beef dinner at my parents' would be warm and joy-filled. Janelle would be there with her husband, Patrick. Hopefully, he wouldn't be too disappointed to be the only son-in-law there. My husband was too tired, after a 50-plus work week; even for roast beef. I was tired too, but I really wanted to see Nana one more time, and my girlies needed to see her too. The three of them were discussing Pokemon in the back of the van. "Uxie EX is my favorite card," Ashlin gushed. Laurie, always wanting to be like her big sister, tried to follow the maze of pokemon facts, "That's the rarest one you have, isn't it?" she remembered. She did a better job of it than I ever could - all that random data. We pulled up to the apartment building and found a parking spot on the little side-road. "Thankfully, there's no need for money in the parking meter on Sundays," I thought. "Don't forget the ice cream," Marcella said as she climbed out of the back of the van. Marcella was not distracted by the pokemon-talk. She was looking forward to mashed potatoes, gravy, roast beef, and then, ice cream!
"Sorry we took so long," I sang out as we came in the door, "I had to take Colin home and then stop to pick up the ice cream." Janelle was videoing us on her camera. "Look at you, skinny-minnie,"she said. I wished it was true. Nana was sitting on the couch, writing in a book for Janelle. It was called "Memories for my Granddaughter." I went into the kitchen to see if I could help. "Can you mash the potatoes, Joey," Mom asked as I gave her a hug. "Sure," I answered, and searched for the masher. Dad came to carve the roast. This was how it was always done. Mom cooked it and made the potatoes, veggies, and gravy, but Daddy always carved the meat. "Aaaahh! we have to eat soon before the yorkshire puddings fall," Mom panicked. We crowded around the table, the kids squabbling about where to sit. Nana took my hand as we waited for Dad to thank God for the food. "Here you go, JoJo," Nana gave me the beef. I took a tiny piece. Potatoes, gravy and lots of vegetables were my favorite, but the meat I could definately leave. As we ate, Nana gave us little tid-bits of memories of her childhood. She seemed to be back there in her mind, because of the memory book. "When my father would go to the market, he would get up about three in the morning and bring us bannock with jam, and tea in bed before he left. I remember watching for him to come home all day; we could see about a third of a mile down the road before it turned." "Did he bring you treats from the market?" I asked. "Yes," Nana remembered, "He would bring american apples, nice red ones, or sometimes dulce, or a sugar stick." There was a bit of table talk, as Nana pondered these memories - some "pass the potatoes" and a "c'mon just have a little more, then I can wash the bowl!" I scraped up the last of my peas - delicious! "A little way down the road," Nana said, between bites, "there was a hazelnut tree. And my father would go sometimes and bring us back hazelnuts. They were a real treat." "Did you roast them?" Dad asked. "No," Nana was surprised at the idea, "we just ate them." "Ooooh," Dad liked to tease Nana, "I don't think I'd-a-been eating them without roasting them, first." "No," Nana was serious, "they were really delicious. We ate them just as they were." Dad's eyes twinkled when he was being a tease. He winked at me and took the last bit of mashed potatoes. Nana was quiet for a bit. "My father used to tell us how his father..." she started, "well, this would have been in 1845 or '46 during the potato famine. He remembered walking and seeing people dead on the sides of the road with grass in their mouths." She sort-of choked out that last bit. I looked up, a bit startled. Nana was holding back tears. Here was an eighty-something year-old woman crying at the memory of something she had never even seen herself. I felt a lump in my throat. Mom had tears in her eyes, too. "There was just nothing to eat," she explained. We understood. Nana reached for my empty plate and stacked it on the others. I got up to carry them to the kitchen. Mom put the tea on, and I scooped out the ice cream.

let me be a plant

2009-01-17T11:26:00.004-04:00

For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease. Though the root thereof wax old in the earth, and the stock thereof die in the ground; Yet through the scent of water it will bud, and bring forth boughs like a plant. Job 14: 7-9

I was struck with this small passage, not in the way Job intended as he wrote it, but with the idea of new life. If the tree of my life needs to be cut down - if it is rotton with sin or diseased with self, then let me be a plant to the glory of God. I feel that this is a promise from God. I may need to be cut down, and the result may look like nothing but a stump - I may be a fool! But beneath that stump will grow a bud, that will bring forth boughs like a plant. And, oh, to be a plant for God is greater than to be a tree, full of sin and self!!

a new year

2009-01-04T19:41:00.002-04:00

A new year, like a fresh clean page without any writing on it, always causes me to pause and take inventory of myself. Usually, I find I have allowed my mind, my habits and thoughts to become scattered. Living is messy. My house is proof of that. If I neglect my front entryway for even one day, it becomes a pile of coats, boots, hats and mittens; and the endless piles of "stuff," that seem to appear out of no where, take over. Mentally, I need to dust and organize regularly, too. And if I leave it too long, it becomes a gigantic mess that requires a few days to untangle. That's where I am now. I constantly find myself saying, "Where did this come from?" or "What should I do with this?" Re-evaluating takes alot of energy. My usual response to things that take too much energy is procrastination, which never helps! So, I'm trying to dive in and start by sorting through all of the clutter in my "house." I need to start with the basics, and answer some tough questions. "What is really important to me?" , "What have I allowed others to tell me is important, that isn't?" , "Who am I?, and Who do I want to be?" , "Who am I trying to please?"...the list is long. As I begin to sift, I find the answers are not easy. Sometimes, the answers aren't what I thought they would be, and so I realize I have been living "someone else's life," and holding myself to someone else's standards. These questions are intimate - between me and God. Only He can help me sort this mess! O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up. You understand my thoughts afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. There is not a word on my tongue, but O Lord, You know it altogether. You have beset me behind and before, and have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me..... Psalm 139

the sunglasses

2008-06-17T23:40:00.000-03:00

The young girl skipped along happily.Her crisp white dress shone in the sunlight.
The chirping of birds mixed with the rustling of leaves in the wind.
As she looked around, the girl admired the freshly cut lawns and beautiful gardens.
She stopped to wipe a scuff mark off her shoe, aware that it might marr her gorgeous surroundings.
"God has given me this beautiful day, this beautiful world," she thought. "I must take extra care to keep myself beautiful for Him."
She stooped and pulled a weed that had been growing along the walkway, pleased that she could do something to help keep God's creation beautiful.
As she walked on a little further, she noticed a pair of sunglasses lying in the grass.
She picked them up, looking around to find their owner. Since no one was nearby, she decided to try them on.
Suddenly, the world around her changed. Oh, the manicured lawns were still there, and the flowers, but she noticed her dress was covered in stains. She hadn't noticed the rusty garbage bins overflowing with filthy garbage. The bird that had been singing was hopping along the ground with a badly mangled wing. The rustling leaves were the few remaining on the dying gnarled trees. Ahead, she could see the walkway simply fell off into a deep ravine. There were one or two other girls with stained dresses trying to put up signs of warning ahead of the ravine, but they kept getting taken down by the others who were busy pulling weeds and mowing the beautiful lawns - none of them paying any attention to the chasm. The girl began to remove the awful glasses, but then, determinedly pushed them back on and ran to help the other girls with the signs, amazed that she had never before seen that she was in the midst of Satan's territory.

Limbo

2008-05-01T09:38:00.003-03:00

Outside they are putting new siding on my house. It is very distracting to have people running past the windows and loud banging starting and stopping - mostly stopping: they are very slow! I just want them to be finished so I can clean up the mess and set up my backyard. I want to feel more separated from the world - safe inside my house. Right now it feels like a very thin wall between me and the windy, noisy, messy world. It is kind of the same feeling as when you are wearing an outfit that just isn't comfortable. Like a top that won't stay where it is supposed to, and you are constantly feeling exposed. I try to pretend they're not there, but my curtains aren't opaque, and the noise, the noise just comes in anyway. I am in limbo; just waiting until they are finished to tidy my world and put order back into my day.

Jeremiah 29:13

2008-04-17T22:36:00.002-03:00

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

part 1
Peary breathes out a long cold breath of wonder.
It hangs heavy in the crisp, cold air.
Why has he not seen this before?
Beautiful snow-capped mountains, deep valleys.
A new land undiscovered? untouched by civilization?
Low provisions, a ship full of weary explorers - no time.
But beautiful Crockerland...what strange new peoples await?
The excitement fills his chest.

Back in America.
Lectures pleading for an expedition.
Who will uncover the mysteries of this new land?
MacMillan and Green head the conquest.
Inuit guides are secured.
A long difficult journey. Many dangers. Much personal pain.
Weary exporers, guided by locals trek across the ice.
"We must turn back," warn the guides.
Just a little further.
MacMillan enjoys the exhilaration of Peary's view so long ago.
Look at those mountains. Beautiful.
The destination will be reached before the sun goes down.
The guides shake their heads. They know something.
MacMillan fears they may be right.
He cannot come this far and not know for sure.
They press on.
Where are the mountains? the valleys?
Standing on an ice floe, surrounded by mist.
The Arctic is a cruel magician.
Defeated the expedition heads home. Its hopes and dreams dashed.

part 2
I sit in the field and gaze at the nature around me.
The field grass moves in perfect unison.
A bluejay mimics the hawk as she discovers food.
The bright, blue sky shines around the puffy clouds.
The gigantic trees sway in the breeze.
I must have a Creator. The Maker of this beautiful universe.
He seems but a mirage to me, but a tiny flame of hope is lit within me.
I try to go back to my everyday life.
The flame flickers and grows and refuses to go out.
I must know. How do I find Him?
I travel often back to where the flame was first ignited...searching.
I discover more and more beautiful intricacies in nature.
How could this be an accident?
A friend learns of my search. She says she knows Him.
She will be my guide.
I read from the Book and discover myself within the pages.
It is a long, difficult journey. The pain is powerful.
Am I full of such wickedness? Deep inside I know that I am.
Denying is not possible. I turn to my guide for help.
She shows me more in the Book. Who is this Jesus?
He is truly Divine. He is Love.
Hot tears cover my cheeks. Why are they killing Him?
"Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."
Truly, this is the Creator. The one for whom I have searched.
My wickedness laid on Him. I am free.
Here I discover no mirage. A solid Rock!

the bluejay

2008-03-19T08:56:00.002-03:00

This morning I saw a bluejay hopping through the bushes. It was cold and the wind was biting against my skin. How do these birds survive such cold winters? I find winter long and difficult even in my heated, comfortable house. I don't have to go scrounge for food when all is dead and covered by snow. And yet, I'm sure the bluejay doesn't struggle with stress or anxiety the way I do. There is certainly something to be said for fulfilling your God-given purpose. The bluejay is doing exactly what God created it to do. Just seeing its bright blue standing out against the drab post-winter background brought joy to me as I hurried home, covering my face against the wind. I'm not saying we should all just leave the comforts we have come to rely on, and live outside like the bluejay. I believe that God gave us the ability to create what we need to live comfortably in this climate. But, how often do I miss the reality that is all around me because I am driving somewhere plastic in my plastic car, eating plastic food, thinking about plastic things. My challenge is to live a real life - an authentic life - in this plastic world. Real life isn't as exciting, on the surface, as TV or even books, but it is fulfilling and deep.
Thank you, bluejay, for the much-needed lesson!

forgiveness

2008-01-07T00:06:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. What exactly is forgiveness? and why is it so hard to give? First of all, forgiveness is probably one of the most powerful concepts in the universe. It is not "being over something" and letting someone "off the hook". It is not easy or cheap. True forgiveness costs. In John 15:13, Jesus tells his disciples, "Greater love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friend." I always thought this verse was referring to dying for a friend. It may actually mean that. But I think giving forgiveness when it really costs us is more difficult - laying down my life - what I want - my rights, truly shows great love! If I indulge my anger or my righteous indignation when I am wronged, and then go forgive my friend, is that truly forgiveness? It is certainly not costly. It is easy to say I have forgiven if I have punished first. But the power is lost. There is no power in false forgiveness.

When I forgive someone who has hurt me - particularly if I feel I would be justified in being angry - I take on the "cost" of that hurt. This means I am hurt twice - once by my friend, and once by choosing not to pass on the hurt. This is the cost of forgiveness. I must make the point here that there is a giant difference between forgiveness and trust. If I have been hurt by someone I trusted. I am able (and required) to forgive them, but I should not give back trust so easily. Trust must be earned. By not trusting them again immediately, I am not "holding a grudge" but simply protecting myself from future hurts.

I am trying to teach my daughters to forgive each other immediately when the get into a squabble - even before the other apologizes. An apology is not necessary for forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary to keep me from becoming bitter and hateful. But I never require my daughters to give back trust. That is a different matter altogether.

God has given us the perfect example/pattern for forgiveness. First, we hurt God by sinning against him. Then, God was hurt again when he sent Jesus to suffer the consequence of our sin. Jesus is God, so he was baring the cost himself. God did not wait for us to apologize before forgiving us. He forgave first. Unfortunately, we cannot know or experience that forgiveness without knowing God. It would be the same if I forgave my friend, but then she refused to ever see me or visit me again. The forgiveness would be just as real on my end, but how would she ever know or experience the good of it unless she spent time with me? By doing so, she would be accepting my forgiveness.

There have been times when I have been hurt and I wasn't willing to forgive. I nursed my anger and righteous indignation until it was about to consume me. Anger does that - especially anger that is righteous. I mean, if I have been truly wronged. Once, when I was driving to work, a huge dump truck almost pulled into my lane without any signal when it was right beside me. I would have been demolished. It really, really scared me. Luckily, at the last second, the driver must have looked in his mirror, and he swerved back to his own lane. When I pulled ahead so I was at the front of the truck, still shaking from fear, the driver gave me a nasty look and a rude gesture! Me! I was doing nothing wrong! He almost killed me. Oh, the righteous anger. I think I yelled at three other cars on the rest of my drive to work. I was passing on the anger. I could feel God telling me to let it go. Forgiving that driver would do nothing for him, but it made a world of difference for me. It was an interesting lesson for me on how important it is to forgive immediately - for my own sake. I held on to that anger all the way across the bridge. And it was growing inside me; ballooning up in my chest and spilling out on all the other drivers on the road. And there are a lot of not-so-bright drivers in the city! But the anger was taking over my whole being. (and this is just a small example of my anger!) As soon as I said it aloud -right there in my van on the Bedford Highway - "I forgive you. I forgive you for scaring me and then acting like it was my fault." - I was released from the power of the fear and anger. When I said those words, the power of that anger was gone. I took what was left of my hurt and fear, and I chose to bare the cost of it and not pass it on. I chose to be free from the cycle.

Recently, I was presented with a hurt that was more difficult to forgive. It was not a huge thing, but it was difficult for me to forgive because a small amount of trust had been eaten away. I know that this trust will need to be built again, but the forgiveness has given me the freedom to start building.

I guess, the more I think I know about forgiveness, the more I realize I have yet to learn. I am just amazed by the power it holds - power to set me free. I need not be held captive by those who have hurt me. I can forgive them and be free from the power of their hurt. And by forgiving them, not give them back the power to hurt me again - that's trust - but remove the power of the past hurts.

So, if the driver of a really big dump truck, who almost crushed a grey mini-van on the circumferential highway in Dartmouth ever reads my blog: I forgive you!

i'm back.

2007-12-29T14:54:00.000-04:00

So much has happened in my life since I last posted. I love my new house, and the freedom that has come with living so close to work. I have gone through a time (too long) of being preoccupied with my physical circumstances - putting God on the back burner. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I was so busy with life, with new things, places, people. I really didn't even notice that I had stopped considering my spiritual needs - I was enjoying lots of new things - physical things, like a dining room set, a computer, a new house. Of course I can't blame the "things". But I am glad to be back. I needed to plug back in to my spiritual self. I was becoming dissatisfied with things - little things. I was easily annoyed and frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, and unable to live in the peace that God has given me. You know, that peace that makes life calm even in chaos, that gives love in the middle of hatred and rudeness. I found myself wanting to be rude back - even initiating rudeness when I was having a bad day. I had become so focused on myself, my need for "happiness", that I had no time for the problems of others. Oh, it has been a great Christmas. My greatest gift was from God who woke me up and reawakened in me a desire to know Him, more than pleasing myself. Things were entertaining and pleasing me for a while, but in my soul, I needed to seek God. It's going to be a great 2008.

Holly

2007-10-06T09:50:00.000-03:00

Holly looked down at her favorite sneakers sliding in the fresh mud. She could feel it squishing against the worn tread. The tread was her favorite part about those sneakers. It came up over the toes and heels. She was certain this made her run faster. It didn't matter that the blue canvas was worn and faded, and the pictures on the sides had started to rub off. These sneakers were special. She could still remember the day Mom had bought them at Stedmans for her older sister. Sometimes she felt as though it was her feet that were measured that day, and she remembered looking down proudly at her new sneakers as she walked over the creaky wooden floors and out of the store. But it hadn't been her. She hadn't needed new sneakers for school. It was Heather who was five. She had picked out the Bubblegummers, as the sneakers were called. But all that didn't matter - the Bubblegummers were hers now.
She looked around at the dusky sky, the sound of the harvester droning in the distance and then coming closer. Sometimes it frightened her, but she knew she was safe. Daddy was with them. He knew everything and he would keep her safe.
"Ok, girls," said her mom, "don't go too far from us. And try to find the whole ones." Mom and Aunt Mimi each held a burlap bag. It was fun being outside after bedtime with everybody. They waited until Daddy came home from work and they'd finished supper before piling into the car and driving to the field. She looked down and spotted one. It was a beautiful carrot, even though it was still covered in mud. Then she saw another and another. She ran from carrot to carrot, scooping them up into her arms until she couldn't hold even one more. Then she ran to Aunt Mimi and tried to get them all into the bag. The burlap felt scratchy against her skin. Heather ran over with a handful of carrots to put in. She had her thumb in her mouth, so she could only gather the carrots with one hand. Holly didn't think it was strange for a six-year-old to be still sucking her thumb. But she didn't really understand what Heather saw in it. She had tried it, but her thumb always tasted funny, and then it made her thumb all wet, which was annoying. Even Hannah, who was only four, didn't suck her thumb. But she did like to cry to Mommy about everything. Holly and Heather found this quite amusing and often thought up ways to trick Hannah. They weren't trying to be mean, it was just so fun to be able to trick someone. Holly, especially liked feeling like a big kid - like she knew more than someone - even if it was only Hannah.
Before long, the bags were full. Daddy threw them in the trunk, and they all climbed into the Oldsmobile. Holly snuggled up next to Aunt Mimi who had Hannah on her lap. This time, Holly decided, she would fall asleep on the way home so she could get carried into the house and tucked into bed. She could barely hear the swish, swish of Heather's "norner," a piece of a satin blanket all folded up into a point. Heather rubbed it back and forth against her lip as she sucked her thumb.
Then her parents started to sing. That was the best part about car rides. Her mom's clear crystally voice with her dad's harmony was about the most beautiful thing she could think of. "I strolled along the road one day..." Mom began. Then Daddy joined in and the car was filled with warmth and peace. "...and it was not the narrow way. I met a Stranger. He spoke to me. He said my child where goest thou. I said I seek the road just now to worldly pleasure, along the way. Turn back my child, for the way is very steep. The things you'll find up there, you cannot keep. The way is filled with thorns. And the things you'll find are cheap. Turn back my child, come home with me." Holly's eyes closed. She could feel Aunt Mimi singing too. She felt completely safe and happy. Daddy was driving. He was the best driver in the world. No matter what happened, he would know what to do and how to fix it. The dirt roads were starting to look familiar again as they started the last verse of the song. "...And then He gently took my hand. He lifted me from sinking sand. He said, My child believe in me. And then such beauty I beheld. I'm sure that I could never tell. He said, My child, come home with me..." Holly wanted to know the man in the song. She knew it was Jesus. He seemed so gentle, so loving. When she tried to picture Him, she could only see Grampy. Her mom's dad had come to Nova Scotia as a missionary from Ireland before her mom was born. He was the most gentle, most wonderful man Holly could think of. He had an Irish accent and he always wore suits or, on casual days, dress pants, a button-up shirt, and a sweater. He had never preached to her - she had heard him preach at church and he was powerful and real. But at home he just played with Holly and her sisters. He made wonderful paper airplanes and could make a hula hoop "come back." He jumped over chairs and gave her piggyback rides. What made him like Jesus, like the man in the song, Holly thought, was not what he said or did, but what he was. The way she felt when he was around - sure and calm and loved.
The car pulled down the tree-lined driveway. Holly was mostly asleep, but still aware enough to know they were home. She kept her eyes closed and her breathing slow. Daddy lifted her out and carried her up to her room. She struggled to stay "asleep" as Mommy took off her sneakers and tucked her under the covers. Soon the room was still and Holly looked over at Hannah sound asleep in her bed. "Why couldn't I really be asleep, like her," she wondered, "instead of having to pretend?" Holly sometimes felt that her whole life was a big pretend. She tried to figure out how she should think and feel about things, she so wanted to please everyone. Sometimes she felt jealous of her sisters, who seemed, not only content with who they were, but they really just were - without trying. Heather was so sure of herself and always knew what she thought about everything. Sometimes Holly just copied Heather because that was easy, but it didn't feel right - and Heather hated it. She wanted Holly to think for herself - to have her own opinions. Holly wished she could. Even Hannah seemed to know who she was. She was the cute one. She didn't have to think about how she should act; she was just herself without even trying. At least that's they way it seemed to Holly.

marcella kathleen

2007-10-06T00:56:00.000-03:00

gentle and fiesty at the same time

a lover of flowers, and all things beautiful and delicate

a helper

loves to sleep late, all cozy in her fashionable pyjamas (jimajins!)

fingernails like Barbie!

does not take second place, even though she is born second - she is a true leader when her big sister isn't around

learning to laugh at herself, which is harder than it seems

she is a true cuddler and snuggler

a diligent learner - follows directions wonderfully

she may push you away at first, but she is fiercely loyal

conscious of her appearance; worried about the opinions of others

appreciates the simple things in life, causing others to appreciate them too

she has an infectious smile (grin)

ashlin glenn

2007-10-02T08:54:00.000-03:00

loves fiercely

she draws you into her world

full of wonder at the world around her

confident

she loves to laugh and make others laugh

intelligent jokes, like puns, are her favorite

she feels things so deeply

a lover of all animals

unconcerned about the opinions of others

unconscious of her beauty

crazy for horses

the life of the party - she carries "fun" in an invisible backpack everywhere she goes

weakness = strength

2007-09-20T13:36:00.000-03:00

"...God left him, to try him, that he might know all that was in his heart." 2Chronicles 32:31 This has been my experience lately. I look in the mirror and I am humbled by what I know is inside me. There is no room for pride when I know my weakness - my failings. I don't believe that God wants me to become acquainted with my weaknesses to humble me or berate me, but to strengthen me!! No one is so strong as one who knows her weakness. In God's sight, pride in self is the greatest failing of all. He does not want me to be self-loathing or to despise myself - He only wants me to be knowledgable of what is real.

Lately, I have been struggling again with anxiety. I can relate it to some degree to stress in my life. But mostly, I am certain it is a weakness that can serve to lead me daily to the only One who can calm every storm. I am convinced that it is not circumstances or even actions that are God's will in my life, but a "heart-set" (as opposed to mind-set) that does not change with changing circumstances. It is always God's will that I choose peace in every struggle. The way I respond internally is of much more importance to Him than what I do physically or outwardly.

So why do I respond the way I do to trouble or stress? Why can't I just trust in the God I know. My very physical response to stress - anxiety - is proof positive of my human failing. I can never "have it all together." I will never be perfect while I am living on this earth. And yet, all these things that cause me to turn to Jesus - to the "lover of my soul" must be celebrated. And so, don't offer me anti-anxiety pills - give me JESUS!! And when I am struggling with this physical body of mine again tomorrow - give me Jesus again tomorrow!

motherhood

2007-09-14T14:15:00.000-03:00

Now that Ashlin and Marcella have gone back to school, I have been spending a lot more quality time with Laurie. She is such a funny kid. Just now, she found a purse full of pennies, dumped them out on the floor and said, "this is a billion of money!" The other day, I french-braided part of Marcella's hair before school. Laurie wanted me to do hers too, so she said, "Mommy, I want you to braid my hair in french too!" Her awareness of the world around her is growing and her phrases sound a lot like me. I love viewing the world through her eyes. I can't believe how quickly she is growing up. Already I am learning to loosen my hold to let her become the person God created her to be - with her own personality. And she is only 4!!! I pray that God will give me wisdom and patience enough to obey Him in letting my daughters grow into the young ladies that He has created. This is probably the hardest part of motherhood - letting go little by little so it is not all at once.

the sanctuary

2007-08-28T10:31:00.000-03:00

"In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah.......And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High. I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old. I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings. Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?" Psalm 77:2,3,10 - 13

Verses 2 and 3 are somewhat how I feel lately - overwhelmed. I feel stress in almost every area of my life. I am not enough. I cannot hold it together. Everything I put my hand to turns sour. I fail. Some of these feelings are hormones; or, I guess, the hormones make the little feelings stronger and more difficult to push away. I know the way I should act/feel and yet I fail. I know the "type" of person I want to be - and I am not.

Then come the answers in verses 10 - 13. Remember God. Think about Him. Get your focus off of yourself and on the LORD. Sounds simple enough. But try putting it into practice. Truly, a person who is feeling sorry for herself wants only to think of herself. And yet the answer doesn't change. God says, You want peace, joy, strength? Cease from focusing on yourself; think on Me. Come into the sanctuary of My presence and rest.

I am not blessed when I cease to have struggles or difficulty. Jesus says I am blessed when I hunger and thirst after righteousness. (Matt.5:6) And so, today, I consider myself to be blessed indeed.

truck lights

2007-08-24T10:37:00.000-03:00

I was listening to the radio on my way home from work last night; I always listen to CBC radio on the way home, and Thursdays are my favorite - Vinyl Cafe. Yesterday, it was about this man who came in the 50's to northern Canada as a missionary from France. It was before telephones or television up there, so he became very close to the people. On the program, a poem was read that this man had written called, "Truck Lights." The poem was like a story about a trip he took with one of the village elders. At one point on the long dark drive, the elder said, "You know, driving a truck is a lot like faith in God." The author pondered this statement for a while before asking what he meant. Basically, what the elder explained was that when they started the truck and turned on the lights, they could only see 100 feet in front of them and there was still 100 kilometers of darkness between them and their destination. As they put the truck into gear and drove, however, the lights continued to light up the road in front of them - just enough road for them to go further. They never saw the whole 100 kms lit up at once. That, he said, is like having faith in God. He never shows us the end before we get there. He just lights enough for us to take another step. Then, when we do, our way is lit from there.
I thought this was a brilliant analogy. (pun intended). God certainly doesn't expect us to have blind faith. However, He doesn't light up our entire path so we can see the end at the beginning. He gives us just enough understanding/faith/light to see our next move. I liked this right now because my life is a bit up in the air at the moment. Some days I question God - "Where is this going?" "What are Your plans?" "How is this going to make sense?" But it is not mine to know the end, only the next step. I guess that's what faith is. Trusting, based on who I know God to be, that I will arrive at a destination; that I am not just driving all over the tundra aimlessly. I entrust the destination to Him and just take each step as it comes.

punchbuggy - no punch backs

2007-08-22T09:06:00.000-03:00

My girlies (aged 8, 6, and 4) are crazy. I guess they're just like I was, with my sisters, when I was a kid. It's what makes me love them so much. We play a game whenever we're driving. Punchbuggies. You know, the usual drill - whenever you see a VW Beetle the first person to say "punchbuggy, no punch backs" gets it. Of course, we've made the rule that there is no actual punching - that got ugly. And we play on teams. All the girls and me against Papa - He's too quick to have anyone on his team. He is very competitive; as is Ashlin. Sometimes she tries to change the rules if she's not winning. But the funniest (and most annoying) part is that the girls have taken it to a whole new extreme. They have little sayings for many, many vehicles. Punchbuggies are the only ones we actually keep track of, but driving with them is filled with shouts, especially from Laurie, the youngest. Here's a list of all the little sayings (that I can remember) that they have made up.
Smart Car - no tickle backs
Van's twin - we win (this is for any silver van, like ours)
Motorcycle - you're a psycho
PT Cruiser - you're a bruiser
Bus - gus
Convertible - you're invisible
Luigi - this is for any really small cars like "Luigi" off of the movie "Cars"

Yes, on days like these Colin looks at me and says "Those are definately your kids." And he's right. We were nutty just like that. We loved to repeat "Mic Mac Rotary" in a sing-songy voice all the way to Halifax until we drove my dad nuts. It can be really, really annoying, but when they're not with me, I actually miss it. I love how they play together. I love when they make things up. They are truly my greatest blessing!

crazy wonderful life

2007-08-03T09:09:00.000-03:00

I am amazed, lately, with how infinitely varied our lives are. I live in the same house with four other beings. Each of them, although we share many (or most) experiences, has their own thoughts, feelings, personalities - so different from mine that, were we to describe them, could easily be mistaken for different events. My focus or line of thinking will dictate how I view a particular event. Combine that with background, previous experiences, and personality and you have five vastly different experiences of the same happening. Very interesting. At the same time, I am noticing how very alike I am with someone of a completely different culture. I am in the middle of a really good book - a true story of a girl who grew up in China. She was born less than ten years earlier than me, so I am fascinated by her story. She lived in China - a place so very different than Canada. In China the idea of privacy is almost absurd. It doesn't exist. Neither does humour, as we know it. Suspicion and fear are commonplace and every action is monitered by someone. Petty theft is rampant. Of course, these are very sweeping generlizations, but compared to the life I have known, this is the way I view China. With all these differences, it is amazing how much I relate to this Chinese girl. Her hopes, dreams, feelings - all resonate with those same things in me. As I read her story, I feel I could almost be her. How is this possible? How can we all be so different, and yet so alike?! The more I learn about life, myself, others, the more I realize just how much God loves variety. Contrary to what many Churches would teach, God does not want us all to be the same. There is not ONE way to please Him or find Him or learn Him. There are as many as there are people. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I'm just enjoying being part of this amazing life, learning about others and their individual stories that aren't so different from my own, afterall.
OK, here's a funny little story from my life. Yesterday, when I went into the gas station to pay for the gas I had put in my van, the girl asked me if I wanted a car wash. I was distracted and she had to ask me again. I said, "no thanks." But then I remembered a sign that I had noticed on the pumps indicating the car wash was out of order. I thought that maybe they had forgotten to take down the sign, so I said, "Ummm, there's actually a sign out there that says your car wash isn't working..." The girl looked at me, slightly annoyed, and said, "I still have to ask!" I was confused. I asked her, "What if I had said yes?" She replied very contemptuously, "It's good for three months!!" That was one crazy moment from my day yesterday. I love hearing other people's crazy moments. Share one with me if you have the time.

no goal for me

2007-07-31T17:44:00.000-03:00

For a few days, I have been thinking about something I read in "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. It is the idea that God has no goal for my life that He is working to bring me toward. What??? No goal? But Jeremiah tells me that He has plans for me - plans for good and not evil. If God has no Great Goal where my life will eventually end up, then what? How is He a force in my life? What about those plans? Oh, God has plans for me, but they are not "achievable" the way a goal is. I will not, one day, realize, "I've arrived! This is it." No, God's dealings in my life are much more intimate than a goal. He "walks on the chaos of my life," as Oswald Chambers put it. His plans for me involve right now, not just a distant future. Somehow, I find this very comforting. I don't need to panic that I have not reached a goal. I can find peace and joy in the chaos that is my life as I watch God "walking right on top." And I can walk on it too - I can step out of the boat, like Peter, and walk right on top, keeping my eyes on the One who knows more about me and my life than I do! Oh, it is not the goal that God is interested in, but the process. And He is teaching me right here in the middle of full vaccuum bags, trips to the library, and cereal crumbs - teaching me to view the world in new ways, about myself and the possibility of change, and about His definition of success. This is why I am here. This is my purpose; to learn, to grow, to love.

love's sweet repose

2007-07-19T20:58:00.001-03:00

"But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come he might show the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." Ephesians 2:4-9
I am thankful that my place in heavenly places, together with Christ Jesus, is not dependant on me. I battle within myself. I do what I don't want to do, I don't do what I want to do. I can not merit the place in heaven that Christ gives. But his grace and kindness to me makes me want to do those things that will bring Glory to Him!! I am shown something greater than self - and pleasing self. The love wherewith he loved me is pure and true and unconditional. It gives me a glimpse of that true love, devoid of self, that is worth striving for. The love that gives and doesn't take. The love that builds up, purifies, and refreshes the recipient. It is the opposite of lust - the currency of this world - because there is no self in it. It requires nothing and gives inspiration, hope and beauty. When we experience true love, we will never trade it for lust. Lust is not even a predecessor to love. It is filled with self and need and greed. It deceives by acting like it will give and fulfill, but it leaves only emptiness and sorrow. Love gives at a cost to the giver and with no cost or requirement to the receiver.
"Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour." Ephesians 5:1-2

remembering Clayton

2007-06-29T09:06:00.000-03:00

I have been hit by the truck of learning that someone who has been such an influence in my life has passed away. Clayton was the most unassuming man I have ever met (actually one of them, because, thankfully, Nova Scotia has many!) However, Clayton was different than most, because he cared about people and wasn't afraid to show it. When I first met him, I was a bit confused. I thought, "Why is this adult talking to us 'kids' as though we have something important to say?" Clayton didn't just make small talk about our parents or whatever, and then go on to talk with other adults; He listened to us, had conversations with us, and treated us like we were valuable human beings with important thoughts, ideas and lives. Even when we weren't that interesting. Clayton and his wife welcomed us into their home whenever we were in the area - just to hang out and chat. He encouraged us to be kind and show love, not by preaching to us, but by demonstrating love and tolerance and complete acceptance. I am thankful that I had Clayton during those difficult years of discovering who I was. I pray that I will learn to be more like Clayton so I can give that same gift to others.

leaning hard

2007-05-23T08:45:00.000-03:00

I'm reading a book by Isobel Kuhn. In it, she categorizes times in her life by describing how she felt - "when all my little candleflames were blown out," and "small harrassments," and "overcoming obstacles." I would describe this time in my life as "leaning hard" because I feel that I am leaning hard upon God. Sometimes my relationship with Him is lovely and intimate. Sometimes it is enlightening or inspiring. Right now, though, I am feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. Mostly I am feeling overwhelmed mentally and emotionally - even though I am also physically very, very busy. When I feel this way - when I just feel sort of blah and uninspired, that is when I most need my relationship with God; with Jesus. I am leaning heavily on Him every day in the little things. I might say, "Oh God, please give me the strength to just get through this day," or "Lord, I am feeling so dumpy today, I need your grace to show kindness." And there is such a comfort in Him. It makes me wonder how people cope who don't have a relationship with Jesus. That sweet comfort of knowing He will never change. He will love me the same when I am "unloveable" as when I am wonderful and gracious. And He does give me the mental, emotional, and, yes, physical strength to get through each day. I have been taught, since I was a child, how to show kindness to others even when I don't feel like it; how to be gracious even when my feelings are hurt. And I can do these things for a limited amount of time. But, when I reach the end of my own strength, God gives true strength. Oh, how I wish I could learn to access His strength sooner. It is so much deeper than mine. But even when I wait until the very last second, He is right there, waiting to bear me up. This time of leaning hard upon God is difficult. I am constantly being challenged. But even in this time, this struggle, I wouldn't change it if I could. God allows me to see the "big picture" just enough to know that I need this. And that is His love to me.

I feel as though I didn't communicate the solid comfort that God is to me right now; the true strength He gives. Maybe it cannot be communicated in words.

filling the void

2007-05-20T22:21:00.000-03:00

I've been thinking all day about the verse, "I reckon our sufferings are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. No one but me could ever consider my "sufferings" to be sufferings. And maybe that is the frustrating part. We all long to be understood, known. And God knows that we long for this, because He made us for it. He "wired" us to long for intimacy, to have another care and understand our hurts and our triumphs. But it is a place only He can fill. God created in each of us a void that can never be filled with another human being, or even whole groups of people. We try and try to fit something in there, but it is never enough. And we blame whatever it is that doesn't fit. The problem is that nothing and no one will ever fill that void because it was created to only be filled by God. And as I write this, I am convicted in my soul, "You write like you have this all figured out. But you don't." Oh, I don't. I am like Paul when he writes in Romans about not doing what he knows he should do,and doing those things he hates. I know these things in my head, but so often, I try to fill that void with people or things or ideas. I expected my poor husband to fill it when we were first married, and was frustrated with him when it didn't work. Oh, God didn't put that longing there just to make me unhappy. He knew that without it I would never search for Him. I am just too complacent. And I fill up my life with so many things, so much "doing." God wants me to turn to Him for fulfillment, for joy, for closeness. He never said this would be easy. It is very difficult to turn away from all of the physical things that catch my attention and make time to access the Spiritual. It is much easier to just become distracted by things that won't require anything from me -- things that promise "no effort required on your part, no commitment, no accountability." God doesn't promise these things. In fact He promises just the opposite - but He promises it will be worth it. And He never breaks His promises. A relationship with God is not some easy, happy, "dollarstore", thing. It is valuable. It costs. But, it is worth the cost. It is worth the struggle. The rewards are amazing now and immeasurable for eternity.

bicycles and faith

2007-05-12T22:12:00.000-03:00

We took Marcella down to the basketball court this morning to teach her how to ride a two-wheeler. Actually, we took all the girls, but Ashlin already knows how to ride, and Laurie still uses training wheels. Colin and I quickly got tired of running along beside Marcella saying, "It's ok, I've got you. Pedal. Watch where you're going. No, don't look at me. Yes, I'm holding on. I won't let go yet...." I think she's starting to get the "feeling" that you need to balance your bike. It's funny. Once you feel that "balancing feeling" just one time, you never lose it. You could learn to ride, and then not ride for 10 years, and then get right on and go. (I did try to explain this to Marcella, but I think she thinks I'm a bit crazy.) I've been thinking a lot lately about how some people can see God everywhere - in nature, other people, stories...etc. They have "seen" Him, and now they can't help but see Him everywhere. But others who have never had that experience of "seeing God", can look at the same things completely blind to Him. It is kind of similar to riding a bike. Ok, just a bit similar, but go with me here. Nothing about the bike changes between knowing how to ride it and not knowing. It does not take any intellectual knowledge on the part of the person learning. Neither does it take any great amount of practice or perfecting. It is mostly that "feeling" of balance. Once you feel it, the rest just comes naturally. Why then do I need to take Marcella to the basketball court to learn? Couldn't I just wait until that balancing feeling comes to her? Nope, the feeling comes with the trying. It will never happen if I say, "I will wait until I feel it first, then I will get on the bike." So, what am I saying? Basically, that believing in God requires a certain amount of faith. Not, "it doesn't make sense, but I believe it anyway" kind of "faith" - that is not faith, it's laziness. But "I don't understand exactly what it is or how it happens, but I've seen evidence of it, so I will attempt it myself"-kind-of-faith. That was my lesson from God today on faith....I rather liked it.

being real

2007-05-03T09:13:00.000-03:00

So often, when we think of living "Spirit-filled lives," we think of praying, reading the Bible, singing worship songs, proclaiming Christ.... all noble pursuits, but not the whole. We are humans, earthy. We were created to live here, on this earth. Yes, we were created by Someone greater and we were created for a relationship with Him. That relationship can/will be worked out here - doing earthy, everyday things. When I walk my children to school, I am part of this great creation. When I am doing laundry, I am no less than when I am on my knees before the "throne of heaven." My life is not summed up in the moments of great inspiration or fabulous communication with God. He is vast and His communication can be Magnificent, but everyday life is where He is most solid and real to me. When I am most overwhelmed and I turn to Him for strength, the strength He gives is solid; tangible. I am not wonderful or great or even fair - though I aspire to be. I love that I can aspire to be these things, and I know that I will always be learning them. I need, not to be, but to become. The moment I think I have "arrived," I become useless, I lose the "earthy" and the real. It is truly in the everyday that I learn God, and communicate Him. He is Love, Light, and Truth. He is the opposite of sin. Learning Him is tangible and must be, even though it is also spiritual.
Oh, I had a whole day off yesterday - my first, other than Sundays, in months. It gave me the strength to decide to make changes to my current situation - changes I have been resisting without realizing it for weeks and weeks. I have tried to be real about my situation before God, and felt He was directing me - which He was and is, but I was holding a part back - part that I was unwilling to give up. Of course I didn't realize this, and God so gently showed me by giving me a glimpse of all that I am missing. He didn't rip that part I was holding so tightly out of my hands, but caused me to be willing to release my hold on it. This is my favorite thing about my relationship with God: He will not leave me to fool myself. He always brings me to the place of being honest with myself and before Him. And it is always in such a gentle way. But firm. He is the perfect "parent" and I would do well to model my parenting after the One who created families. I am grateful that I can rely on Him to keep me real; to bring me to the place where I can see the flaw that is causing pain/greif. I am relying on Him for this for the future and I know it will happen many times over, but it is a great comfort to know I will not be left to my own "understanding," but will gently be led to greater understanding.

Ok, this is very rambly and I am tempted to delete the whole thing, but that's what blogging is for (at least for me) - to work out in words those thoughts that are floating around in my head without anchor. It is always helpful to me, anyway.

small miracle

2007-04-24T22:20:00.000-03:00

We had a small miracle at our house today. It all started with Ashlin's missing agenda and math homework for school. I didn't realize they were missing until Monday morning. Colin and I were both at work when she came home from school on Friday. So, that evening when I checked her backpack, I just assumed that she hadn't brought anything home. Monday morning we turned the house upside down looking for them. All day Monday, and again this morning it weighed heavy on my mind - where could they be? I checked all of the crazy, just-maybe spots. Being overtired, way too busy and just overwhelmed, I didn't think to ask God for help. I just bulled my way through the house looking everywhere. Still no homework books. Tonight Colin decided enough was enough. He had prayed this morning that God would guide us to find them, but it wasn't His timing. Tonight, he sat on Ashlin's bed and prayed, "God, here is an opportunity to teach my little girl that You are real, and that You do care about even the little things. Please, if it is Your will, show me where those books are." When Colin lifted up his head from praying, his eyes rested on Ashlin's pink Barbie suitcase sitting in her room where it usually sits. "Naw," he thought, "she would have remembered if she had put them there...." Still, he opened the suitcase and Voila! the case of the missing homework was solved. I know this is only a small miracle, and some would even call it coincidence - I don't believe in coincidences, only God-incidences. My lesson for the day - pray first. That doesn't mean God is a "magic wishing fairy", but He cares about even the little things - how much more the big things that have me stressed out! How I needed that lesson. I've been trying to "do it all" myself - not very successfully, I might add. What a wonderful end to a stressful day.

rambling thoughts

2007-04-06T00:53:00.000-03:00

Whew! What a long day at work I had today. It was really only about eight hours, but they were busy, difficult hours. And here it is, almost one o'clock in the morning, and I'd love to be in bed, but I sit here and type - trying to unwind. Some nights I just feel so tired of it all. This is really one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had. It is very physically demanding. You wouldn't think making pizzas would be so hard. But, maybe it's the sheer volume of pizzas. We made more than 200 pizzas tonight. I just kept wishing everyone would go home. And so I question, "Why am I doing this?", and "Is it worth it?" I've already questioned God on this one and felt His reassuring hand on my shoulder. But after a night like tonight, and after a week like this week, I begin to question again. "How am I going to keep up this pace?" "Are the kids paying the price for this?" Arrgh. I want to just shut off my brain for some quiet. I am so tired. This is tired talking. I will feel better in the morning. I will ask God these questions tomorrow. He will know what to do. He will not be surprised by my doubts. Before I go to bed, one funny thing happened at work yesterday. Two oldish ladies came in to the restaurant (they looked like the type who would pounce on you if you said the wrong thing - very judgemental) and one of them looked around and said, "Is this Subway?" I kept a straight face while I sold her a pizza.

Learning God

2007-04-03T09:28:00.000-03:00

Originally, I started this blog to record snippets of my daily life and my kids' lives, but mostly to record how God works in my everyday life. The "little" ways He surprises me daily (if anything about God can be little). He is teaching me now, however, that although I can share my experiences and write about them, I cannot communicate God. Only God can do that and He does it to individuals - not to groups through the experience of one. My experience of learning God could seem inconsequential to another, or even made-up. That doesn't mean I am going to stop recording my experiences here, but my goal has changed. If God chose to use my blog to reveal Himself to another, that would be His choice, but I will be able to look back and re-enjoy the moments He shared with me. The more I learn about God, the more I realize just how personal He is. He does not expect me to change who I am to learn Him the way another person does. He meets me in my own experience. I could not begin to write all the ways God has met me in my experience - the internet itself could not contain them. I could not put them into words. But, deep inside, I know them - I know Him. For this I am grateful and thankful everyday.

Laurie Marie

2007-03-30T20:22:00.000-03:00

Laurie is the craziest kid! Yesterday morning, she decided Maple's nickname should be July. (Maple is our cat). She went around the house saying, "July, July, come here." and "July! Get off the table!!" When I asked her why "July"?, she just said, "because then you can say July, July, July, July, July!"

Depression

2007-03-24T22:10:00.000-03:00

I do not pretend to be an expert on this subject. Not even remotely. But I have something to say because of a gift God gave me - a gift that I begged Him to take away at the time. It is the gift of experience. No, it was not pretty. After the birth of #2 (beautiful Marcella), it came - and it gave no relief. But now that I can see it in retrospect, it was indeed a gift. Strange gift, you might say. Anxiety, anger, paranoia, sadness... the list goes on. But, really, how else could I ever understand the realities of depression? And it is a condition that plagues many; way more that I ever knew. And I had this view of depression, "get over it, move on, just focus on something other than yourself." Wow, did I need education. And God gave it, oh, so graciously. During that time of depression and chaotic hormones, God drew me so close to Him. I didn't see it at the time, but I can surely see it now. I learned more about Him because I was forced to search for something to ease my torment. Without prompting, I am the type of person who just goes along in my life, happy as a clam - never needing to learn more. But God gave me a gift. He showed more than I ever knew I was missing. No, I'm not saying that God gave me the depression. But He did use it to give me understanding, compassion, and the strength that only comes with experience. So, finally, I am at the place where I can thank God for allowing me to experience the most difficult thing in my entire life. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."Jeremiah 29:11

what i learned from my Dad

2007-03-22T00:05:00.000-03:00

Lately I've been noticing just how like my father I have become. Mostly this is a good thing. I can't think of anyone in this world that I respect more. Which leads me to a new lesson. One of the biggest things my Dad taught me (not necessarily on purpose) was to have very high expectations of myself (and others, because it flows out). This was a good lesson because I learned to hold myself accountable to myself - I don't always need someone to keep me doing my best. Also, I didn't settle when it came to dating or friends.
At work, only the very best job is good enough for me, even if my boss is nowhere to be seen. These are all the ways this lesson has been a benefit to me. But, I think, somewhere along the way, I allowed it to cause me to be somewhat harsh and unsympathetic. Rules are meant to be followed, so if someone does otherwise, I find myself becoming judgemental and callous. Also, I am not perfect, so there is a lot of self-loathing when I don't do what I know is the best job. This is especially difficult as a mother. I am FAR from a perfect mother, but I have high ideals about what she is/ how she acts. This leads to my latest lesson, still taught, unconsciously, by my Dad. When I think about my Dad, I feel so much love and respect. He is so real and strong and kind. But I know him well enough to see his imperfections and failures. And yet, I respect and love him. Maybe I am worth loving without being perfect, too. That is good. Better yet, maybe others are worth loving when they are not perfect. This is a good lesson for me. I am a lot like my Dad, and I couldn't be happier!

what cake?

2007-03-19T08:34:00.001-03:00

Ashlin is being totally foolish this morning; as usual. She opens the fridge and says, (in her comic voice) "Yum! Cake!" There is no cake in the fridge. No one appears to be listening. A minute later Laurie comes over, excited, and says, "I want cake!" I whisper (because, once again, I have no voice - sore throat), "There is no cake." Laurie, with her hands on her hips, gets in Ashlin's face, "Why you say cake?" and again, "Why you say CAKE?" She keeps saying it as they both fall on the floor, Ashlin laughing histarically. It is a good start to the morning.

purpose driven life

2007-03-18T18:32:00.000-03:00

I have been reading a bit from Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Life" again. I really do like the clear manner in which he adresses life's most important questions. However, I don't think this book is the new "bible," which you might think if you walked into most Christian book stores. Given its proper place as a tool to help guide us in discovering our own answers to these questions, I think it is an excellent book. I've been re-enjoying the concept that answers to life's problems lie not in "self-help", but in self-sacrifice! Jesus lived according to this idea. He said, "Anyone who wants to be first must be the slave of everyone. Even the Son of Man did not come to be served. Instead, he came to serve others. He came to give his life as the price for setting many people free."Mark 10:44,45. Everywhere we go, we are bombarded with the idea that we must try hard to succeed in life. The strength lies within ourselves and we only need to know how to access it. This is a giant lie. Our strength does not come from within. Our Creator gives us life. He alone gives us each breath we take. Can we, by willing it so, make anything happen? Sorry, Mr. Trump, we cannot. As God asks Job in the book of Job, "Who put wisdom in people's hearts? Who gave understanding to their minds? Who is wise enough to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens? I tip them over when the ground becomes hard. I do it when the dirt sticks together." Job 38:36-38. So why doesn't God just take away the breath of those who choose themselves over Him? or even those who choose evil over Him? The simple answer is that He gave us free will - the ability to choose. 'Obey me or die' isn't much of a choice! So, even though it is against Him and often to our own hurt and the hurt of others, God remains true to His decision to give us free will. He doesn't just leave us to ourselves or "throw us to the wolves", though. He chases after us, constantly showing us that He has a perfect plan for us. He has provided a way out. But He will not force us to choose that path. He is a loving, ever-gracious God. He never tires of running after us, even when we turn from Him again and again. He has given all creation to remind us of His glory and beauty. He doesn't expect us to be perfect; He knows that we cannot be. He wants us to consider Him. And so, I choose God; I choose life; I choose love; I choose selflessness.

Learning about myself.

2007-03-15T11:00:00.000-03:00

This work stuff is harder than I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong; I love working with Colin. And, most of the time, I really enjoy the people I work with. Last night, however, I had an employee walk out (stomp out?) during his shift, saying it was because of me! me?! Now, we've seen this coming since I started as assistant manager, because it was the position he wanted, and he never thought I should have been made assistant from the beginning. He constantly tried to find things I was doing wrong and pull them up to me in front of everyone. But, I had a pretty high estimation of how I was handling it all. In my mind, I was the poster girl for a kind, sweet, reasonable boss. But with all that has happened recently, and with a little prompting from my loving, but objective husband, I am considering that I wasn't always as reasonable as I thought. One thing I have always detested is when people are condescending. And yet, in retrospect, when I felt it was justified, that is exactly how I was. I didn't ever see myself as being "the tough one." But working with Colin is making that pretty obvious to me. I guess I have this view that "these are the rules, they make sense and are reasonable, so if you go against them, you are being defiant". Even my first memo, I am told, was much "harder" than any of Colin's. I was ok with that, because I think sometimes he is a bit wishywashy. I know it takes both personalities and we compliment each other, but I am surprised at myself. I am surprised that I am sometimes unreasonable. I appreciate Colin for pointing out that, although I was justified, I wasn't completely reasonable. And I was that way because I was feeling a bit out of my element in having to deal with an employee acting like a 3 year old. I totally wasn't compassionate. Ok, I'm not sure if any of this actually makes sense, but I just needed to get it out in words. And after doing so, I feel like I have some direction. After all, if compassion is what I need, there is only One who can give it. Jesus. And He does not give it in a condescending way or a repremanding one, He will just give it. I need to immerse myself in Him, to cover myself with His words and learn from His perfection. Yet another example of how Jesus is the answer to alllllll my problems.