Laurie Marie

Laurie is the craziest kid! Yesterday morning, she decided Maple's nickname should be July. (Maple is our cat). She went around the house saying, "July, July, come here." and "July! Get off the table!!" When I asked her why "July"?, she just said, "because then you can say July, July, July, July, July!"

Depression

I do not pretend to be an expert on this subject. Not even remotely. But I have something to say because of a gift God gave me - a gift that I begged Him to take away at the time. It is the gift of experience. No, it was not pretty. After the birth of #2 (beautiful Marcella), it came - and it gave no relief. But now that I can see it in retrospect, it was indeed a gift. Strange gift, you might say. Anxiety, anger, paranoia, sadness... the list goes on. But, really, how else could I ever understand the realities of depression? And it is a condition that plagues many; way more that I ever knew. And I had this view of depression, "get over it, move on, just focus on something other than yourself." Wow, did I need education. And God gave it, oh, so graciously. During that time of depression and chaotic hormones, God drew me so close to Him. I didn't see it at the time, but I can surely see it now. I learned more about Him because I was forced to search for something to ease my torment. Without prompting, I am the type of person who just goes along in my life, happy as a clam - never needing to learn more. But God gave me a gift. He showed more than I ever knew I was missing. No, I'm not saying that God gave me the depression. But He did use it to give me understanding, compassion, and the strength that only comes with experience. So, finally, I am at the place where I can thank God for allowing me to experience the most difficult thing in my entire life. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."Jeremiah 29:11

what i learned from my Dad

Lately I've been noticing just how like my father I have become. Mostly this is a good thing. I can't think of anyone in this world that I respect more. Which leads me to a new lesson. One of the biggest things my Dad taught me (not necessarily on purpose) was to have very high expectations of myself (and others, because it flows out). This was a good lesson because I learned to hold myself accountable to myself - I don't always need someone to keep me doing my best. Also, I didn't settle when it came to dating or friends.
At work, only the very best job is good enough for me, even if my boss is nowhere to be seen. These are all the ways this lesson has been a benefit to me. But, I think, somewhere along the way, I allowed it to cause me to be somewhat harsh and unsympathetic. Rules are meant to be followed, so if someone does otherwise, I find myself becoming judgemental and callous. Also, I am not perfect, so there is a lot of self-loathing when I don't do what I know is the best job. This is especially difficult as a mother. I am FAR from a perfect mother, but I have high ideals about what she is/ how she acts. This leads to my latest lesson, still taught, unconsciously, by my Dad. When I think about my Dad, I feel so much love and respect. He is so real and strong and kind. But I know him well enough to see his imperfections and failures. And yet, I respect and love him. Maybe I am worth loving without being perfect, too. That is good. Better yet, maybe others are worth loving when they are not perfect. This is a good lesson for me. I am a lot like my Dad, and I couldn't be happier!

what cake?

Ashlin is being totally foolish this morning; as usual. She opens the fridge and says, (in her comic voice) "Yum! Cake!" There is no cake in the fridge. No one appears to be listening. A minute later Laurie comes over, excited, and says, "I want cake!" I whisper (because, once again, I have no voice - sore throat), "There is no cake." Laurie, with her hands on her hips, gets in Ashlin's face, "Why you say cake?" and again, "Why you say CAKE?" She keeps saying it as they both fall on the floor, Ashlin laughing histarically. It is a good start to the morning.

purpose driven life

I have been reading a bit from Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Life" again. I really do like the clear manner in which he adresses life's most important questions. However, I don't think this book is the new "bible," which you might think if you walked into most Christian book stores. Given its proper place as a tool to help guide us in discovering our own answers to these questions, I think it is an excellent book. I've been re-enjoying the concept that answers to life's problems lie not in "self-help", but in self-sacrifice! Jesus lived according to this idea. He said, "Anyone who wants to be first must be the slave of everyone. Even the Son of Man did not come to be served. Instead, he came to serve others. He came to give his life as the price for setting many people free."Mark 10:44,45. Everywhere we go, we are bombarded with the idea that we must try hard to succeed in life. The strength lies within ourselves and we only need to know how to access it. This is a giant lie. Our strength does not come from within. Our Creator gives us life. He alone gives us each breath we take. Can we, by willing it so, make anything happen? Sorry, Mr. Trump, we cannot. As God asks Job in the book of Job, "Who put wisdom in people's hearts? Who gave understanding to their minds? Who is wise enough to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens? I tip them over when the ground becomes hard. I do it when the dirt sticks together." Job 38:36-38. So why doesn't God just take away the breath of those who choose themselves over Him? or even those who choose evil over Him? The simple answer is that He gave us free will - the ability to choose. 'Obey me or die' isn't much of a choice! So, even though it is against Him and often to our own hurt and the hurt of others, God remains true to His decision to give us free will. He doesn't just leave us to ourselves or "throw us to the wolves", though. He chases after us, constantly showing us that He has a perfect plan for us. He has provided a way out. But He will not force us to choose that path. He is a loving, ever-gracious God. He never tires of running after us, even when we turn from Him again and again. He has given all creation to remind us of His glory and beauty. He doesn't expect us to be perfect; He knows that we cannot be. He wants us to consider Him. And so, I choose God; I choose life; I choose love; I choose selflessness.

Learning about myself.

This work stuff is harder than I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong; I love working with Colin. And, most of the time, I really enjoy the people I work with. Last night, however, I had an employee walk out (stomp out?) during his shift, saying it was because of me! me?! Now, we've seen this coming since I started as assistant manager, because it was the position he wanted, and he never thought I should have been made assistant from the beginning. He constantly tried to find things I was doing wrong and pull them up to me in front of everyone. But, I had a pretty high estimation of how I was handling it all. In my mind, I was the poster girl for a kind, sweet, reasonable boss. But with all that has happened recently, and with a little prompting from my loving, but objective husband, I am considering that I wasn't always as reasonable as I thought. One thing I have always detested is when people are condescending. And yet, in retrospect, when I felt it was justified, that is exactly how I was. I didn't ever see myself as being "the tough one." But working with Colin is making that pretty obvious to me. I guess I have this view that "these are the rules, they make sense and are reasonable, so if you go against them, you are being defiant". Even my first memo, I am told, was much "harder" than any of Colin's. I was ok with that, because I think sometimes he is a bit wishywashy. I know it takes both personalities and we compliment each other, but I am surprised at myself. I am surprised that I am sometimes unreasonable. I appreciate Colin for pointing out that, although I was justified, I wasn't completely reasonable. And I was that way because I was feeling a bit out of my element in having to deal with an employee acting like a 3 year old. I totally wasn't compassionate. Ok, I'm not sure if any of this actually makes sense, but I just needed to get it out in words. And after doing so, I feel like I have some direction. After all, if compassion is what I need, there is only One who can give it. Jesus. And He does not give it in a condescending way or a repremanding one, He will just give it. I need to immerse myself in Him, to cover myself with His words and learn from His perfection. Yet another example of how Jesus is the answer to alllllll my problems.