i'm back.

So much has happened in my life since I last posted. I love my new house, and the freedom that has come with living so close to work. I have gone through a time (too long) of being preoccupied with my physical circumstances - putting God on the back burner. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I was so busy with life, with new things, places, people. I really didn't even notice that I had stopped considering my spiritual needs - I was enjoying lots of new things - physical things, like a dining room set, a computer, a new house. Of course I can't blame the "things". But I am glad to be back. I needed to plug back in to my spiritual self. I was becoming dissatisfied with things - little things. I was easily annoyed and frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, and unable to live in the peace that God has given me. You know, that peace that makes life calm even in chaos, that gives love in the middle of hatred and rudeness. I found myself wanting to be rude back - even initiating rudeness when I was having a bad day. I had become so focused on myself, my need for "happiness", that I had no time for the problems of others. Oh, it has been a great Christmas. My greatest gift was from God who woke me up and reawakened in me a desire to know Him, more than pleasing myself. Things were entertaining and pleasing me for a while, but in my soul, I needed to seek God. It's going to be a great 2008.

Holly

Holly looked down at her favorite sneakers sliding in the fresh mud. She could feel it squishing against the worn tread. The tread was her favorite part about those sneakers. It came up over the toes and heels. She was certain this made her run faster. It didn't matter that the blue canvas was worn and faded, and the pictures on the sides had started to rub off. These sneakers were special. She could still remember the day Mom had bought them at Stedmans for her older sister. Sometimes she felt as though it was her feet that were measured that day, and she remembered looking down proudly at her new sneakers as she walked over the creaky wooden floors and out of the store. But it hadn't been her. She hadn't needed new sneakers for school. It was Heather who was five. She had picked out the Bubblegummers, as the sneakers were called. But all that didn't matter - the Bubblegummers were hers now.
She looked around at the dusky sky, the sound of the harvester droning in the distance and then coming closer. Sometimes it frightened her, but she knew she was safe. Daddy was with them. He knew everything and he would keep her safe.
"Ok, girls," said her mom, "don't go too far from us. And try to find the whole ones." Mom and Aunt Mimi each held a burlap bag. It was fun being outside after bedtime with everybody. They waited until Daddy came home from work and they'd finished supper before piling into the car and driving to the field. She looked down and spotted one. It was a beautiful carrot, even though it was still covered in mud. Then she saw another and another. She ran from carrot to carrot, scooping them up into her arms until she couldn't hold even one more. Then she ran to Aunt Mimi and tried to get them all into the bag. The burlap felt scratchy against her skin. Heather ran over with a handful of carrots to put in. She had her thumb in her mouth, so she could only gather the carrots with one hand. Holly didn't think it was strange for a six-year-old to be still sucking her thumb. But she didn't really understand what Heather saw in it. She had tried it, but her thumb always tasted funny, and then it made her thumb all wet, which was annoying. Even Hannah, who was only four, didn't suck her thumb. But she did like to cry to Mommy about everything. Holly and Heather found this quite amusing and often thought up ways to trick Hannah. They weren't trying to be mean, it was just so fun to be able to trick someone. Holly, especially liked feeling like a big kid - like she knew more than someone - even if it was only Hannah.
Before long, the bags were full. Daddy threw them in the trunk, and they all climbed into the Oldsmobile. Holly snuggled up next to Aunt Mimi who had Hannah on her lap. This time, Holly decided, she would fall asleep on the way home so she could get carried into the house and tucked into bed. She could barely hear the swish, swish of Heather's "norner," a piece of a satin blanket all folded up into a point. Heather rubbed it back and forth against her lip as she sucked her thumb.
Then her parents started to sing. That was the best part about car rides. Her mom's clear crystally voice with her dad's harmony was about the most beautiful thing she could think of. "I strolled along the road one day..." Mom began. Then Daddy joined in and the car was filled with warmth and peace. "...and it was not the narrow way. I met a Stranger. He spoke to me. He said my child where goest thou. I said I seek the road just now to worldly pleasure, along the way. Turn back my child, for the way is very steep. The things you'll find up there, you cannot keep. The way is filled with thorns. And the things you'll find are cheap. Turn back my child, come home with me." Holly's eyes closed. She could feel Aunt Mimi singing too. She felt completely safe and happy. Daddy was driving. He was the best driver in the world. No matter what happened, he would know what to do and how to fix it. The dirt roads were starting to look familiar again as they started the last verse of the song. "...And then He gently took my hand. He lifted me from sinking sand. He said, My child believe in me. And then such beauty I beheld. I'm sure that I could never tell. He said, My child, come home with me..." Holly wanted to know the man in the song. She knew it was Jesus. He seemed so gentle, so loving. When she tried to picture Him, she could only see Grampy. Her mom's dad had come to Nova Scotia as a missionary from Ireland before her mom was born. He was the most gentle, most wonderful man Holly could think of. He had an Irish accent and he always wore suits or, on casual days, dress pants, a button-up shirt, and a sweater. He had never preached to her - she had heard him preach at church and he was powerful and real. But at home he just played with Holly and her sisters. He made wonderful paper airplanes and could make a hula hoop "come back." He jumped over chairs and gave her piggyback rides. What made him like Jesus, like the man in the song, Holly thought, was not what he said or did, but what he was. The way she felt when he was around - sure and calm and loved.
The car pulled down the tree-lined driveway. Holly was mostly asleep, but still aware enough to know they were home. She kept her eyes closed and her breathing slow. Daddy lifted her out and carried her up to her room. She struggled to stay "asleep" as Mommy took off her sneakers and tucked her under the covers. Soon the room was still and Holly looked over at Hannah sound asleep in her bed. "Why couldn't I really be asleep, like her," she wondered, "instead of having to pretend?" Holly sometimes felt that her whole life was a big pretend. She tried to figure out how she should think and feel about things, she so wanted to please everyone. Sometimes she felt jealous of her sisters, who seemed, not only content with who they were, but they really just were - without trying. Heather was so sure of herself and always knew what she thought about everything. Sometimes Holly just copied Heather because that was easy, but it didn't feel right - and Heather hated it. She wanted Holly to think for herself - to have her own opinions. Holly wished she could. Even Hannah seemed to know who she was. She was the cute one. She didn't have to think about how she should act; she was just herself without even trying. At least that's they way it seemed to Holly.

marcella kathleen

gentle and fiesty at the same time

a lover of flowers, and all things beautiful and delicate

a helper

loves to sleep late, all cozy in her fashionable pyjamas (jimajins!)

fingernails like Barbie!

does not take second place, even though she is born second - she is a true leader when her big sister isn't around

learning to laugh at herself, which is harder than it seems

she is a true cuddler and snuggler

a diligent learner - follows directions wonderfully

she may push you away at first, but she is fiercely loyal

conscious of her appearance; worried about the opinions of others

appreciates the simple things in life, causing others to appreciate them too

she has an infectious smile (grin)

ashlin glenn

loves fiercely

she draws you into her world

full of wonder at the world around her

confident

she loves to laugh and make others laugh

intelligent jokes, like puns, are her favorite

she feels things so deeply

a lover of all animals

unconcerned about the opinions of others

unconscious of her beauty

crazy for horses

the life of the party - she carries "fun" in an invisible backpack everywhere she goes

weakness = strength

"...God left him, to try him, that he might know all that was in his heart." 2Chronicles 32:31 This has been my experience lately. I look in the mirror and I am humbled by what I know is inside me. There is no room for pride when I know my weakness - my failings. I don't believe that God wants me to become acquainted with my weaknesses to humble me or berate me, but to strengthen me!! No one is so strong as one who knows her weakness. In God's sight, pride in self is the greatest failing of all. He does not want me to be self-loathing or to despise myself - He only wants me to be knowledgable of what is real.

Lately, I have been struggling again with anxiety. I can relate it to some degree to stress in my life. But mostly, I am certain it is a weakness that can serve to lead me daily to the only One who can calm every storm. I am convinced that it is not circumstances or even actions that are God's will in my life, but a "heart-set" (as opposed to mind-set) that does not change with changing circumstances. It is always God's will that I choose peace in every struggle. The way I respond internally is of much more importance to Him than what I do physically or outwardly.

So why do I respond the way I do to trouble or stress? Why can't I just trust in the God I know. My very physical response to stress - anxiety - is proof positive of my human failing. I can never "have it all together." I will never be perfect while I am living on this earth. And yet, all these things that cause me to turn to Jesus - to the "lover of my soul" must be celebrated. And so, don't offer me anti-anxiety pills - give me JESUS!! And when I am struggling with this physical body of mine again tomorrow - give me Jesus again tomorrow!

motherhood

Now that Ashlin and Marcella have gone back to school, I have been spending a lot more quality time with Laurie. She is such a funny kid. Just now, she found a purse full of pennies, dumped them out on the floor and said, "this is a billion of money!" The other day, I french-braided part of Marcella's hair before school. Laurie wanted me to do hers too, so she said, "Mommy, I want you to braid my hair in french too!" Her awareness of the world around her is growing and her phrases sound a lot like me. I love viewing the world through her eyes. I can't believe how quickly she is growing up. Already I am learning to loosen my hold to let her become the person God created her to be - with her own personality. And she is only 4!!! I pray that God will give me wisdom and patience enough to obey Him in letting my daughters grow into the young ladies that He has created. This is probably the hardest part of motherhood - letting go little by little so it is not all at once.

the sanctuary

"In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah.......And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High. I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old. I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings. Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?" Psalm 77:2,3,10 - 13

Verses 2 and 3 are somewhat how I feel lately - overwhelmed. I feel stress in almost every area of my life. I am not enough. I cannot hold it together. Everything I put my hand to turns sour. I fail. Some of these feelings are hormones; or, I guess, the hormones make the little feelings stronger and more difficult to push away. I know the way I should act/feel and yet I fail. I know the "type" of person I want to be - and I am not.

Then come the answers in verses 10 - 13. Remember God. Think about Him. Get your focus off of yourself and on the LORD. Sounds simple enough. But try putting it into practice. Truly, a person who is feeling sorry for herself wants only to think of herself. And yet the answer doesn't change. God says, You want peace, joy, strength? Cease from focusing on yourself; think on Me. Come into the sanctuary of My presence and rest.

I am not blessed when I cease to have struggles or difficulty. Jesus says I am blessed when I hunger and thirst after righteousness. (Matt.5:6) And so, today, I consider myself to be blessed indeed.

truck lights

I was listening to the radio on my way home from work last night; I always listen to CBC radio on the way home, and Thursdays are my favorite - Vinyl Cafe. Yesterday, it was about this man who came in the 50's to northern Canada as a missionary from France. It was before telephones or television up there, so he became very close to the people. On the program, a poem was read that this man had written called, "Truck Lights." The poem was like a story about a trip he took with one of the village elders. At one point on the long dark drive, the elder said, "You know, driving a truck is a lot like faith in God." The author pondered this statement for a while before asking what he meant. Basically, what the elder explained was that when they started the truck and turned on the lights, they could only see 100 feet in front of them and there was still 100 kilometers of darkness between them and their destination. As they put the truck into gear and drove, however, the lights continued to light up the road in front of them - just enough road for them to go further. They never saw the whole 100 kms lit up at once. That, he said, is like having faith in God. He never shows us the end before we get there. He just lights enough for us to take another step. Then, when we do, our way is lit from there.
I thought this was a brilliant analogy. (pun intended). God certainly doesn't expect us to have blind faith. However, He doesn't light up our entire path so we can see the end at the beginning. He gives us just enough understanding/faith/light to see our next move. I liked this right now because my life is a bit up in the air at the moment. Some days I question God - "Where is this going?" "What are Your plans?" "How is this going to make sense?" But it is not mine to know the end, only the next step. I guess that's what faith is. Trusting, based on who I know God to be, that I will arrive at a destination; that I am not just driving all over the tundra aimlessly. I entrust the destination to Him and just take each step as it comes.

punchbuggy - no punch backs

My girlies (aged 8, 6, and 4) are crazy. I guess they're just like I was, with my sisters, when I was a kid. It's what makes me love them so much. We play a game whenever we're driving. Punchbuggies. You know, the usual drill - whenever you see a VW Beetle the first person to say "punchbuggy, no punch backs" gets it. Of course, we've made the rule that there is no actual punching - that got ugly. And we play on teams. All the girls and me against Papa - He's too quick to have anyone on his team. He is very competitive; as is Ashlin. Sometimes she tries to change the rules if she's not winning. But the funniest (and most annoying) part is that the girls have taken it to a whole new extreme. They have little sayings for many, many vehicles. Punchbuggies are the only ones we actually keep track of, but driving with them is filled with shouts, especially from Laurie, the youngest. Here's a list of all the little sayings (that I can remember) that they have made up.
Smart Car - no tickle backs
Van's twin - we win (this is for any silver van, like ours)
Motorcycle - you're a psycho
PT Cruiser - you're a bruiser
Bus - gus
Convertible - you're invisible
Luigi - this is for any really small cars like "Luigi" off of the movie "Cars"

Yes, on days like these Colin looks at me and says "Those are definately your kids." And he's right. We were nutty just like that. We loved to repeat "Mic Mac Rotary" in a sing-songy voice all the way to Halifax until we drove my dad nuts. It can be really, really annoying, but when they're not with me, I actually miss it. I love how they play together. I love when they make things up. They are truly my greatest blessing!

crazy wonderful life

I am amazed, lately, with how infinitely varied our lives are. I live in the same house with four other beings. Each of them, although we share many (or most) experiences, has their own thoughts, feelings, personalities - so different from mine that, were we to describe them, could easily be mistaken for different events. My focus or line of thinking will dictate how I view a particular event. Combine that with background, previous experiences, and personality and you have five vastly different experiences of the same happening. Very interesting. At the same time, I am noticing how very alike I am with someone of a completely different culture. I am in the middle of a really good book - a true story of a girl who grew up in China. She was born less than ten years earlier than me, so I am fascinated by her story. She lived in China - a place so very different than Canada. In China the idea of privacy is almost absurd. It doesn't exist. Neither does humour, as we know it. Suspicion and fear are commonplace and every action is monitered by someone. Petty theft is rampant. Of course, these are very sweeping generlizations, but compared to the life I have known, this is the way I view China. With all these differences, it is amazing how much I relate to this Chinese girl. Her hopes, dreams, feelings - all resonate with those same things in me. As I read her story, I feel I could almost be her. How is this possible? How can we all be so different, and yet so alike?! The more I learn about life, myself, others, the more I realize just how much God loves variety. Contrary to what many Churches would teach, God does not want us all to be the same. There is not ONE way to please Him or find Him or learn Him. There are as many as there are people. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I'm just enjoying being part of this amazing life, learning about others and their individual stories that aren't so different from my own, afterall.
OK, here's a funny little story from my life. Yesterday, when I went into the gas station to pay for the gas I had put in my van, the girl asked me if I wanted a car wash. I was distracted and she had to ask me again. I said, "no thanks." But then I remembered a sign that I had noticed on the pumps indicating the car wash was out of order. I thought that maybe they had forgotten to take down the sign, so I said, "Ummm, there's actually a sign out there that says your car wash isn't working..." The girl looked at me, slightly annoyed, and said, "I still have to ask!" I was confused. I asked her, "What if I had said yes?" She replied very contemptuously, "It's good for three months!!" That was one crazy moment from my day yesterday. I love hearing other people's crazy moments. Share one with me if you have the time.

no goal for me

For a few days, I have been thinking about something I read in "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. It is the idea that God has no goal for my life that He is working to bring me toward. What??? No goal? But Jeremiah tells me that He has plans for me - plans for good and not evil. If God has no Great Goal where my life will eventually end up, then what? How is He a force in my life? What about those plans? Oh, God has plans for me, but they are not "achievable" the way a goal is. I will not, one day, realize, "I've arrived! This is it." No, God's dealings in my life are much more intimate than a goal. He "walks on the chaos of my life," as Oswald Chambers put it. His plans for me involve right now, not just a distant future. Somehow, I find this very comforting. I don't need to panic that I have not reached a goal. I can find peace and joy in the chaos that is my life as I watch God "walking right on top." And I can walk on it too - I can step out of the boat, like Peter, and walk right on top, keeping my eyes on the One who knows more about me and my life than I do! Oh, it is not the goal that God is interested in, but the process. And He is teaching me right here in the middle of full vaccuum bags, trips to the library, and cereal crumbs - teaching me to view the world in new ways, about myself and the possibility of change, and about His definition of success. This is why I am here. This is my purpose; to learn, to grow, to love.

love's sweet repose

"But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come he might show the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." Ephesians 2:4-9
I am thankful that my place in heavenly places, together with Christ Jesus, is not dependant on me. I battle within myself. I do what I don't want to do, I don't do what I want to do. I can not merit the place in heaven that Christ gives. But his grace and kindness to me makes me want to do those things that will bring Glory to Him!! I am shown something greater than self - and pleasing self. The love wherewith he loved me is pure and true and unconditional. It gives me a glimpse of that true love, devoid of self, that is worth striving for. The love that gives and doesn't take. The love that builds up, purifies, and refreshes the recipient. It is the opposite of lust - the currency of this world - because there is no self in it. It requires nothing and gives inspiration, hope and beauty. When we experience true love, we will never trade it for lust. Lust is not even a predecessor to love. It is filled with self and need and greed. It deceives by acting like it will give and fulfill, but it leaves only emptiness and sorrow. Love gives at a cost to the giver and with no cost or requirement to the receiver.
"Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour." Ephesians 5:1-2

remembering Clayton

I have been hit by the truck of learning that someone who has been such an influence in my life has passed away. Clayton was the most unassuming man I have ever met (actually one of them, because, thankfully, Nova Scotia has many!) However, Clayton was different than most, because he cared about people and wasn't afraid to show it. When I first met him, I was a bit confused. I thought, "Why is this adult talking to us 'kids' as though we have something important to say?" Clayton didn't just make small talk about our parents or whatever, and then go on to talk with other adults; He listened to us, had conversations with us, and treated us like we were valuable human beings with important thoughts, ideas and lives. Even when we weren't that interesting. Clayton and his wife welcomed us into their home whenever we were in the area - just to hang out and chat. He encouraged us to be kind and show love, not by preaching to us, but by demonstrating love and tolerance and complete acceptance. I am thankful that I had Clayton during those difficult years of discovering who I was. I pray that I will learn to be more like Clayton so I can give that same gift to others.

leaning hard

I'm reading a book by Isobel Kuhn. In it, she categorizes times in her life by describing how she felt - "when all my little candleflames were blown out," and "small harrassments," and "overcoming obstacles." I would describe this time in my life as "leaning hard" because I feel that I am leaning hard upon God. Sometimes my relationship with Him is lovely and intimate. Sometimes it is enlightening or inspiring. Right now, though, I am feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. Mostly I am feeling overwhelmed mentally and emotionally - even though I am also physically very, very busy. When I feel this way - when I just feel sort of blah and uninspired, that is when I most need my relationship with God; with Jesus. I am leaning heavily on Him every day in the little things. I might say, "Oh God, please give me the strength to just get through this day," or "Lord, I am feeling so dumpy today, I need your grace to show kindness." And there is such a comfort in Him. It makes me wonder how people cope who don't have a relationship with Jesus. That sweet comfort of knowing He will never change. He will love me the same when I am "unloveable" as when I am wonderful and gracious. And He does give me the mental, emotional, and, yes, physical strength to get through each day. I have been taught, since I was a child, how to show kindness to others even when I don't feel like it; how to be gracious even when my feelings are hurt. And I can do these things for a limited amount of time. But, when I reach the end of my own strength, God gives true strength. Oh, how I wish I could learn to access His strength sooner. It is so much deeper than mine. But even when I wait until the very last second, He is right there, waiting to bear me up. This time of leaning hard upon God is difficult. I am constantly being challenged. But even in this time, this struggle, I wouldn't change it if I could. God allows me to see the "big picture" just enough to know that I need this. And that is His love to me.

I feel as though I didn't communicate the solid comfort that God is to me right now; the true strength He gives. Maybe it cannot be communicated in words.

filling the void

I've been thinking all day about the verse, "I reckon our sufferings are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. No one but me could ever consider my "sufferings" to be sufferings. And maybe that is the frustrating part. We all long to be understood, known. And God knows that we long for this, because He made us for it. He "wired" us to long for intimacy, to have another care and understand our hurts and our triumphs. But it is a place only He can fill. God created in each of us a void that can never be filled with another human being, or even whole groups of people. We try and try to fit something in there, but it is never enough. And we blame whatever it is that doesn't fit. The problem is that nothing and no one will ever fill that void because it was created to only be filled by God. And as I write this, I am convicted in my soul, "You write like you have this all figured out. But you don't." Oh, I don't. I am like Paul when he writes in Romans about not doing what he knows he should do,and doing those things he hates. I know these things in my head, but so often, I try to fill that void with people or things or ideas. I expected my poor husband to fill it when we were first married, and was frustrated with him when it didn't work. Oh, God didn't put that longing there just to make me unhappy. He knew that without it I would never search for Him. I am just too complacent. And I fill up my life with so many things, so much "doing." God wants me to turn to Him for fulfillment, for joy, for closeness. He never said this would be easy. It is very difficult to turn away from all of the physical things that catch my attention and make time to access the Spiritual. It is much easier to just become distracted by things that won't require anything from me -- things that promise "no effort required on your part, no commitment, no accountability." God doesn't promise these things. In fact He promises just the opposite - but He promises it will be worth it. And He never breaks His promises. A relationship with God is not some easy, happy, "dollarstore", thing. It is valuable. It costs. But, it is worth the cost. It is worth the struggle. The rewards are amazing now and immeasurable for eternity.

bicycles and faith

We took Marcella down to the basketball court this morning to teach her how to ride a two-wheeler. Actually, we took all the girls, but Ashlin already knows how to ride, and Laurie still uses training wheels. Colin and I quickly got tired of running along beside Marcella saying, "It's ok, I've got you. Pedal. Watch where you're going. No, don't look at me. Yes, I'm holding on. I won't let go yet...." I think she's starting to get the "feeling" that you need to balance your bike. It's funny. Once you feel that "balancing feeling" just one time, you never lose it. You could learn to ride, and then not ride for 10 years, and then get right on and go. (I did try to explain this to Marcella, but I think she thinks I'm a bit crazy.) I've been thinking a lot lately about how some people can see God everywhere - in nature, other people, stories...etc. They have "seen" Him, and now they can't help but see Him everywhere. But others who have never had that experience of "seeing God", can look at the same things completely blind to Him. It is kind of similar to riding a bike. Ok, just a bit similar, but go with me here. Nothing about the bike changes between knowing how to ride it and not knowing. It does not take any intellectual knowledge on the part of the person learning. Neither does it take any great amount of practice or perfecting. It is mostly that "feeling" of balance. Once you feel it, the rest just comes naturally. Why then do I need to take Marcella to the basketball court to learn? Couldn't I just wait until that balancing feeling comes to her? Nope, the feeling comes with the trying. It will never happen if I say, "I will wait until I feel it first, then I will get on the bike." So, what am I saying? Basically, that believing in God requires a certain amount of faith. Not, "it doesn't make sense, but I believe it anyway" kind of "faith" - that is not faith, it's laziness. But "I don't understand exactly what it is or how it happens, but I've seen evidence of it, so I will attempt it myself"-kind-of-faith. That was my lesson from God today on faith....I rather liked it.

being real

So often, when we think of living "Spirit-filled lives," we think of praying, reading the Bible, singing worship songs, proclaiming Christ.... all noble pursuits, but not the whole. We are humans, earthy. We were created to live here, on this earth. Yes, we were created by Someone greater and we were created for a relationship with Him. That relationship can/will be worked out here - doing earthy, everyday things. When I walk my children to school, I am part of this great creation. When I am doing laundry, I am no less than when I am on my knees before the "throne of heaven." My life is not summed up in the moments of great inspiration or fabulous communication with God. He is vast and His communication can be Magnificent, but everyday life is where He is most solid and real to me. When I am most overwhelmed and I turn to Him for strength, the strength He gives is solid; tangible. I am not wonderful or great or even fair - though I aspire to be. I love that I can aspire to be these things, and I know that I will always be learning them. I need, not to be, but to become. The moment I think I have "arrived," I become useless, I lose the "earthy" and the real. It is truly in the everyday that I learn God, and communicate Him. He is Love, Light, and Truth. He is the opposite of sin. Learning Him is tangible and must be, even though it is also spiritual.
Oh, I had a whole day off yesterday - my first, other than Sundays, in months. It gave me the strength to decide to make changes to my current situation - changes I have been resisting without realizing it for weeks and weeks. I have tried to be real about my situation before God, and felt He was directing me - which He was and is, but I was holding a part back - part that I was unwilling to give up. Of course I didn't realize this, and God so gently showed me by giving me a glimpse of all that I am missing. He didn't rip that part I was holding so tightly out of my hands, but caused me to be willing to release my hold on it. This is my favorite thing about my relationship with God: He will not leave me to fool myself. He always brings me to the place of being honest with myself and before Him. And it is always in such a gentle way. But firm. He is the perfect "parent" and I would do well to model my parenting after the One who created families. I am grateful that I can rely on Him to keep me real; to bring me to the place where I can see the flaw that is causing pain/greif. I am relying on Him for this for the future and I know it will happen many times over, but it is a great comfort to know I will not be left to my own "understanding," but will gently be led to greater understanding.

Ok, this is very rambly and I am tempted to delete the whole thing, but that's what blogging is for (at least for me) - to work out in words those thoughts that are floating around in my head without anchor. It is always helpful to me, anyway.

small miracle

We had a small miracle at our house today. It all started with Ashlin's missing agenda and math homework for school. I didn't realize they were missing until Monday morning. Colin and I were both at work when she came home from school on Friday. So, that evening when I checked her backpack, I just assumed that she hadn't brought anything home. Monday morning we turned the house upside down looking for them. All day Monday, and again this morning it weighed heavy on my mind - where could they be? I checked all of the crazy, just-maybe spots. Being overtired, way too busy and just overwhelmed, I didn't think to ask God for help. I just bulled my way through the house looking everywhere. Still no homework books. Tonight Colin decided enough was enough. He had prayed this morning that God would guide us to find them, but it wasn't His timing. Tonight, he sat on Ashlin's bed and prayed, "God, here is an opportunity to teach my little girl that You are real, and that You do care about even the little things. Please, if it is Your will, show me where those books are." When Colin lifted up his head from praying, his eyes rested on Ashlin's pink Barbie suitcase sitting in her room where it usually sits. "Naw," he thought, "she would have remembered if she had put them there...." Still, he opened the suitcase and Voila! the case of the missing homework was solved. I know this is only a small miracle, and some would even call it coincidence - I don't believe in coincidences, only God-incidences. My lesson for the day - pray first. That doesn't mean God is a "magic wishing fairy", but He cares about even the little things - how much more the big things that have me stressed out! How I needed that lesson. I've been trying to "do it all" myself - not very successfully, I might add. What a wonderful end to a stressful day.

rambling thoughts

Whew! What a long day at work I had today. It was really only about eight hours, but they were busy, difficult hours. And here it is, almost one o'clock in the morning, and I'd love to be in bed, but I sit here and type - trying to unwind. Some nights I just feel so tired of it all. This is really one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had. It is very physically demanding. You wouldn't think making pizzas would be so hard. But, maybe it's the sheer volume of pizzas. We made more than 200 pizzas tonight. I just kept wishing everyone would go home. And so I question, "Why am I doing this?", and "Is it worth it?" I've already questioned God on this one and felt His reassuring hand on my shoulder. But after a night like tonight, and after a week like this week, I begin to question again. "How am I going to keep up this pace?" "Are the kids paying the price for this?" Arrgh. I want to just shut off my brain for some quiet. I am so tired. This is tired talking. I will feel better in the morning. I will ask God these questions tomorrow. He will know what to do. He will not be surprised by my doubts. Before I go to bed, one funny thing happened at work yesterday. Two oldish ladies came in to the restaurant (they looked like the type who would pounce on you if you said the wrong thing - very judgemental) and one of them looked around and said, "Is this Subway?" I kept a straight face while I sold her a pizza.

Learning God

Originally, I started this blog to record snippets of my daily life and my kids' lives, but mostly to record how God works in my everyday life. The "little" ways He surprises me daily (if anything about God can be little). He is teaching me now, however, that although I can share my experiences and write about them, I cannot communicate God. Only God can do that and He does it to individuals - not to groups through the experience of one. My experience of learning God could seem inconsequential to another, or even made-up. That doesn't mean I am going to stop recording my experiences here, but my goal has changed. If God chose to use my blog to reveal Himself to another, that would be His choice, but I will be able to look back and re-enjoy the moments He shared with me. The more I learn about God, the more I realize just how personal He is. He does not expect me to change who I am to learn Him the way another person does. He meets me in my own experience. I could not begin to write all the ways God has met me in my experience - the internet itself could not contain them. I could not put them into words. But, deep inside, I know them - I know Him. For this I am grateful and thankful everyday.

Laurie Marie

Laurie is the craziest kid! Yesterday morning, she decided Maple's nickname should be July. (Maple is our cat). She went around the house saying, "July, July, come here." and "July! Get off the table!!" When I asked her why "July"?, she just said, "because then you can say July, July, July, July, July!"

Depression

I do not pretend to be an expert on this subject. Not even remotely. But I have something to say because of a gift God gave me - a gift that I begged Him to take away at the time. It is the gift of experience. No, it was not pretty. After the birth of #2 (beautiful Marcella), it came - and it gave no relief. But now that I can see it in retrospect, it was indeed a gift. Strange gift, you might say. Anxiety, anger, paranoia, sadness... the list goes on. But, really, how else could I ever understand the realities of depression? And it is a condition that plagues many; way more that I ever knew. And I had this view of depression, "get over it, move on, just focus on something other than yourself." Wow, did I need education. And God gave it, oh, so graciously. During that time of depression and chaotic hormones, God drew me so close to Him. I didn't see it at the time, but I can surely see it now. I learned more about Him because I was forced to search for something to ease my torment. Without prompting, I am the type of person who just goes along in my life, happy as a clam - never needing to learn more. But God gave me a gift. He showed more than I ever knew I was missing. No, I'm not saying that God gave me the depression. But He did use it to give me understanding, compassion, and the strength that only comes with experience. So, finally, I am at the place where I can thank God for allowing me to experience the most difficult thing in my entire life. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."Jeremiah 29:11

what i learned from my Dad

Lately I've been noticing just how like my father I have become. Mostly this is a good thing. I can't think of anyone in this world that I respect more. Which leads me to a new lesson. One of the biggest things my Dad taught me (not necessarily on purpose) was to have very high expectations of myself (and others, because it flows out). This was a good lesson because I learned to hold myself accountable to myself - I don't always need someone to keep me doing my best. Also, I didn't settle when it came to dating or friends.
At work, only the very best job is good enough for me, even if my boss is nowhere to be seen. These are all the ways this lesson has been a benefit to me. But, I think, somewhere along the way, I allowed it to cause me to be somewhat harsh and unsympathetic. Rules are meant to be followed, so if someone does otherwise, I find myself becoming judgemental and callous. Also, I am not perfect, so there is a lot of self-loathing when I don't do what I know is the best job. This is especially difficult as a mother. I am FAR from a perfect mother, but I have high ideals about what she is/ how she acts. This leads to my latest lesson, still taught, unconsciously, by my Dad. When I think about my Dad, I feel so much love and respect. He is so real and strong and kind. But I know him well enough to see his imperfections and failures. And yet, I respect and love him. Maybe I am worth loving without being perfect, too. That is good. Better yet, maybe others are worth loving when they are not perfect. This is a good lesson for me. I am a lot like my Dad, and I couldn't be happier!

what cake?

Ashlin is being totally foolish this morning; as usual. She opens the fridge and says, (in her comic voice) "Yum! Cake!" There is no cake in the fridge. No one appears to be listening. A minute later Laurie comes over, excited, and says, "I want cake!" I whisper (because, once again, I have no voice - sore throat), "There is no cake." Laurie, with her hands on her hips, gets in Ashlin's face, "Why you say cake?" and again, "Why you say CAKE?" She keeps saying it as they both fall on the floor, Ashlin laughing histarically. It is a good start to the morning.

purpose driven life

I have been reading a bit from Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Life" again. I really do like the clear manner in which he adresses life's most important questions. However, I don't think this book is the new "bible," which you might think if you walked into most Christian book stores. Given its proper place as a tool to help guide us in discovering our own answers to these questions, I think it is an excellent book. I've been re-enjoying the concept that answers to life's problems lie not in "self-help", but in self-sacrifice! Jesus lived according to this idea. He said, "Anyone who wants to be first must be the slave of everyone. Even the Son of Man did not come to be served. Instead, he came to serve others. He came to give his life as the price for setting many people free."Mark 10:44,45. Everywhere we go, we are bombarded with the idea that we must try hard to succeed in life. The strength lies within ourselves and we only need to know how to access it. This is a giant lie. Our strength does not come from within. Our Creator gives us life. He alone gives us each breath we take. Can we, by willing it so, make anything happen? Sorry, Mr. Trump, we cannot. As God asks Job in the book of Job, "Who put wisdom in people's hearts? Who gave understanding to their minds? Who is wise enough to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens? I tip them over when the ground becomes hard. I do it when the dirt sticks together." Job 38:36-38. So why doesn't God just take away the breath of those who choose themselves over Him? or even those who choose evil over Him? The simple answer is that He gave us free will - the ability to choose. 'Obey me or die' isn't much of a choice! So, even though it is against Him and often to our own hurt and the hurt of others, God remains true to His decision to give us free will. He doesn't just leave us to ourselves or "throw us to the wolves", though. He chases after us, constantly showing us that He has a perfect plan for us. He has provided a way out. But He will not force us to choose that path. He is a loving, ever-gracious God. He never tires of running after us, even when we turn from Him again and again. He has given all creation to remind us of His glory and beauty. He doesn't expect us to be perfect; He knows that we cannot be. He wants us to consider Him. And so, I choose God; I choose life; I choose love; I choose selflessness.

Learning about myself.

This work stuff is harder than I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong; I love working with Colin. And, most of the time, I really enjoy the people I work with. Last night, however, I had an employee walk out (stomp out?) during his shift, saying it was because of me! me?! Now, we've seen this coming since I started as assistant manager, because it was the position he wanted, and he never thought I should have been made assistant from the beginning. He constantly tried to find things I was doing wrong and pull them up to me in front of everyone. But, I had a pretty high estimation of how I was handling it all. In my mind, I was the poster girl for a kind, sweet, reasonable boss. But with all that has happened recently, and with a little prompting from my loving, but objective husband, I am considering that I wasn't always as reasonable as I thought. One thing I have always detested is when people are condescending. And yet, in retrospect, when I felt it was justified, that is exactly how I was. I didn't ever see myself as being "the tough one." But working with Colin is making that pretty obvious to me. I guess I have this view that "these are the rules, they make sense and are reasonable, so if you go against them, you are being defiant". Even my first memo, I am told, was much "harder" than any of Colin's. I was ok with that, because I think sometimes he is a bit wishywashy. I know it takes both personalities and we compliment each other, but I am surprised at myself. I am surprised that I am sometimes unreasonable. I appreciate Colin for pointing out that, although I was justified, I wasn't completely reasonable. And I was that way because I was feeling a bit out of my element in having to deal with an employee acting like a 3 year old. I totally wasn't compassionate. Ok, I'm not sure if any of this actually makes sense, but I just needed to get it out in words. And after doing so, I feel like I have some direction. After all, if compassion is what I need, there is only One who can give it. Jesus. And He does not give it in a condescending way or a repremanding one, He will just give it. I need to immerse myself in Him, to cover myself with His words and learn from His perfection. Yet another example of how Jesus is the answer to alllllll my problems.