Monday, June 3, 2013

she stands

she waits

her heart and flesh cry out for the Living God
she has tasted and seen that He is good
that He is worth waiting for

her soul feels swallowed up in darkness
but she knows what feels isn't what is
she waits

admitting her fear, she cries out for mercy
and clings to the One who gives life
she waits for the fresh green of Spring to awaken her soul

she has planted these seeds before
knows they must be buried in earth
she waits

waits for the tiny green seedlings to push up through the black earth
the seedlings will renew her hope
but her hope is not in the seedlings

she hopes in the Maker, the only One who gives life
who creates from nothing all that is
she hopes in Him

she trusts
in the endless time between the planting and the harvest
when all signs of hope have hidden themselves

where does this trust come from?
experience has done the good work
she remembers His unfailing love

when the darkness is thick and the time is long
trust and hope will fail
she feels the weakness of her own self

all that remains -
knowledge of His goodness and love
intellect and words without the assurance of feeling

like David, she feels the depths of her own weakness
and repeats to herself the truths
truths she has known from her youth

she stands
with no strength to trust, hope or wait
she recites the words of truth she has learned

and stands

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

surrounded by courage

So many things are swirling around in my head these days. On Mother's Day, my heart was touched with vulnerability shared by a man at church. Yesterday I cried listening to a woman on the radio tell about re-connecting with her own body after a childhood of being molested. Last week my spirit recoiled at a greasy, gross comment by a man, a grandfather, who had led me to believe he was a sweet old man - who, I can now see, had ulterior motives all along. And I felt like such a fool. And I felt like a child, tricked into a trust relationship by someone who had a different thought all the time. I am not that little girl anymore. I am a 36 year old woman. Yet I had to come home and envision myself rocked to sleep in the cupped hands of God. And the next morning, when I had to walk by him again, I could feel 2 massive angels on either side of me, giving me courage to prove to him that he didn't make me feel vulnerable and gross. It was not such a big deal; so why did it make me shake all over? I'm not completely sure. But I know that women, girls all over the world are made to feel this way every day - just because they are female. And they succumb to it. They believe the lies of the disgusting way they are treated. God sees this. He cares. I know this because He DID rock me to sleep and walk beside me to face that creep. He gave me REAL courage. His presence surrounded me like a cloud. And I don't know why I experienced this or feel a kinship with the trampled, degraded women of the world. But I do. And I am certain that degradation of women is one of those things that will be thrown head-long into the lake of fire at the last day. And I am praising God that Jesus defeated this terrible, evil sin when He defeated sin and death on the cross. That means that we get to live in the good of His grace NOW! And we can spread the good news. I'm not good on tangible, step-by-step plans. I am better at feeling my way along and listening to the Spirit's leading in the quietness of my soul. So I will be listening for Him to call me to show God's perfect Love and Grace to women, using this experience to enable me to hear that strain of His call. God's love is safe and good and empowering. He created us with empathy and care and tears. I will cry them for you, fellow women. I will have courage for you.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

a true gift

Each morning, as I reach for my Bible to study; and each evening, as I am reading a book to expand my mind, I am reminded of the beautiful gift given to me by my father. My Dad has four daughters and he has given this gift to each of us. It is the gift of intelligent thinking. You might be thinking that God has given us that gift - after all, He's the One who created our brain and intellect. But I am talking about the empowerment and inspiration to think. When I was young, a simple observation about something would lead to a discussion on why I felt that way. My Dad was always requiring his daughters to think about what we said and intelligently explain it and discuss it. Part of the reason he did this is because that is his personality - he enjoys analyzing things and questioning them. As we grew and began having opinions on what we read in the Bible, it was obvious he expected us to live purposefully and develop our own convictions for what we believed. He was not content for us to just do "the right thing," but we needed to understand what we were doing and why. The gift that he (maybe unknowingly) gave us in all this was the gift of believing that our ideas and thoughts were valid and valued. I don't know many other 14 - 16 year old girls at that time who were having deep discussions about the Bible and life with their fathers. He didn't just let us talk; he listened and asked questions, genuinely involved in the conversation. He held us accountable to our beliefs, too. It was far worse, in our house, to just act without thinking about something than to choose something that opposed my Dad's views. I love that!

The reason I have been so appreciating this gift lately is because of an info session I went to recently with my sister. It was titled, "Raising Preteens in a Sexualized Culture." It was very informative and provoked a lot of thought about the messages that are being sent to our children every day on billboards, tv screens, and toys. One of the messages that I feel is most damaging to young girls is this idea that being sexy trumps everything. You can do anything you  put your mind to, but if you can do it while being sexy, that's better. And the message deteriorates into promoting the idea that being sexy is the goal in life. Young girls are encouraged to aspire to be good at shopping and make-up. If this is what our culture is telling our daughters they can aspire to, what are we telling them to counter that? And as I thought of that question, I considered what it was my parents did to raise four strong, confident-thinking daughters. I'm talking about empowerment to think for yourself and question the ideas that are thrown at you every day. In our culture, that's a lot of ideas; and  a lot of them are destructive. Satan doesn't want women to be strong. He has spent the history of the world keeping women from being in a place of intelligence. In some cultures it is physical - they are not allowed out of the house, or to be seen; they are secluded and repressed physically. In our culture, we do it to ourselves. We buy into this idea that we are not good enough - that, before we can be valid, we have to be sexy. We spend so much of our energy and time on our appearance, that there is little left for intellectual debate or growth. So, what can I do to counter the destructive ideas permeating much of the advertising and teaching in our culture? I can require my daughters to think for themselves. I can respect their well-thought-out opinions and ideas, even when they are different than my own. And I can hold them to a standard of intellect and thought that God designed them for.

Although I think I, as their mother, can have a powerful influence in the way I teach my daughters to think; I am certain that all daughters need to see themselves as intellectually valid in their father's eyes. For some reason, although I am extremely close to my Mom, and need her approval and love, I often find that I view myself the way I perceive my father views me. So, fathers, please have thoughtful, intelligent discussions with your daughters. Prove to them with actions that they are valid intellectual beings.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

failures and joys - motherhood

Thanks so much to my amazing, wise sister, Janelle, for sending me to www.thebettermom.com to warm my heart and make me cry tears of relief and thankfulness at the reminder that I am not called to be a perfect Mom, just a Mom.  Although my job as Mom to three fabulous daughters is important, I am not responsible for the results - only to do the best I can with what I know and have. The results belong to God - who loves my girls way more that I ever could. After reading this post, I am inspired to write my own 2 lists.

My teenage daughter hurts my feelings multiple times a day. You'd think I'd have thicker skin by now.

I would choose a nap over anything else, any day of the week.

Often leftovers sit in my fridge for weeks after they should be thrown in the composter - weeks!

I haven't actually reached the bottom of my dirty-laundry bin in months.

I have a lot of guilt about the times I lose my temper and yell at the girls - usually brought on by their bickering (yeah, and yelling is so much better than bickering).

I still, at this age, find myself wanting to sulk when things aren't going my way. Sometimes I do.

The good news: God gives good gifts. Only. I am trusting Him to make right the things that I keep messing up. Why would He do this for me? Many reasons: He loves to do things for me. He promises to give us the desires of our hearts when we trust Him. He loves my three girls - they are His.

And the amazing bits of goodness He gives right now?....

My daughters may bicker or give nasty looks, but they never throw temper tantrums. Ever.

The very best part of my week is reading The Secret Garden to Marcella and Laurie on Monday and Tuesday nights. I'm pretty sure it's the best part of their week too.

All the girls at work love it when Ashlin comes in to work on Saturdays. They really think she's a neat kid and an interesting human.

I am always confident that the girls will be respectful and polite when they are out with others - whether I'm there or not.

We often find our entire family laughing hysterically at the dinner table because any one of the girls said something funny. They all have a great sense of humor. And they are usually good at laughing at themselves.

Because the girls spend so much time on their own, they have learned to be really independant. They can make eggs, mashed potatoes, canned soups, and gravy-from-scratch.

I am grabbing on to the fruit of the spirit that I have access to: Love, come reign in my house; Joy, fill our hearts and minds; Peace, cast out the discord that tries to take over our days; Patience, cover me and fill me and pour out of me; Kindness, show up when we have lost sight of you; Goodness, flow out of our beings the way God designed us to be; Faithfulness, hold us accountable and keep us on track; Gentleness, be infused into our conversation every day; Self Control, be there when we come to the end of our natural ability to cope. Thanks to Corrie ten Boom for reminding me (in her book, Tramp for the Lord) that we have access to all of these through the Holy Spirit who indwells us - we need only to claim them!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

forgiveness

I've read so much about forgiveness. I know all the ins and outs of it. I love Corrie ten Boom's account of when she came face to face with one of the meanest prison guards from her time in the concentration camp - he asked for her forgiveness and she felt she just couldn't give it. But she knew it was important - she knew how Jesus had forgiven her, so she prayed, "I can physically stretch out my hand, God, but You will have to give me the forgiveness. I can will myself to make the beginning." And God did. She felt the forgiveness and love flow through her into the hand of the guard who had so cruelly treated so many. But when Colin and I had issues with our landlord at work, we really struggled with forgiveness. We really felt we were being taken advantage of and mistreated. We had every right to be angry and demand our rights. And yet, here he was telling us he thought WE were being unfair! Ridiculous! The lazy, good-for-nothing.... We struggled most of the morning. We had come to a comprimise with him and now we felt it was necessary for us to forgive him and remove these feelings of anger and discord that were filling our work-place. He wasn't there -we had only to contend with our own feelings and anger - yet we couldn't do it. No matter how we tried to smooth things in our own minds, we couldn't help but feel frustration at being "taken." It was mid-afternoon when I felt God whisper, "Make it physical. DO something to prove to yourself that you forgive him." I suggested to Colin that we phone him and forgive the entire amount of money in question - not just comprimise. Colin looked shocked. He had had the same thought, but worried I would berate him for being weak if he suggested it. (...oops, do I do that?) That was our confirmation. Colin wasted no time phoning our difficult landlord to inform him of our decision. He was truly appreciative and we were instantly able to see him as a fellow-human being, in need of kindness - instead of a greedy landlord, out to get us. I know it doesn't always work out this way, but it seemed like that night and the next were busier than usual - easily making up the money we forgave. I want to record this incident because I feel as though God has been teaching me lately about the importance of making things tangible. Loving and forgiving someone in your heart is alright, but turning that into a physical thing gives it reality. I want to remember this - to practice it so I won't forget.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

my adoption story

I read a lot of blogs/books/websites about adoption. I have family and friends who have adopted children. I believe the desire in my heart to be part of this beautiful gift has been put there by God. But then I look at my life. And I am certain that it is not for now. So, some days I question God. Why did you put this desire in my heart? It is not possible, in the life you have given me right now, for me to participate in adoption. As I question Him persistently, respectfully - truly wanting to know - to understand with my mind what purpose He would have for giving me this overwhelming desire to reach out, to help children in this world who have need, He gives me an answer. It is not the answer I expected. I half-worried that He would tell me my life needs to change so I can reach out to children in need and provide them with a home. I half-hoped that too. But I am certain He has ordered the circumstances that have me in this crazy life that is mine. So, I heard Him whisper in my ear, "Children aren't the only ones who need adopting!" At first, I didn't understand. I mean, did He expect me to bring the homeless I find begging on Quinpool Road into my home and "adopt" them? He gently explained. That mother-love that can love the unlovable and gloss over the glaring annoyances in her children - that is the love that is needed by so many adults in today's world. After all, these people are just children grown up. They may not have had someone to take them in when they were little and cute. But now they are just that helpless child all grown up and dealing with big life issues. They are sometimes lost, dismissed by society because they struggle. Maybe they lack social skills because they didn't have a mother who gave them that love when they were little. "Give them that love now!" is what I heard God tell me. I immediately thought of one particular girl who comes to my shop at least once a week. Her appearance is a bit strange - she usually has some dried food on the front of her sweater. Her personality has sharp edges. In short - she's not "lovable" in the usual sense of the world. She is lonely. When she comes in, her need for attention is obvious, and my natural instinct is to run in the other direction. The rest of the girls who work for me find her "creepy." She is an example of who God meant when he told me to adopt adults. Now, when I see her, I take a bit more time. I make sure to treat her with dignity and respect. I try to give her the love I would pour out on a cute little baby that smells like soap and looks adorable in footie pyjamas. And there are others. God has given me some amazing "children" since He asked me to adopt adults. None of them know they have been adopted, and I don't tuck them in at night, but there are some 'for now' paybacks. I get to have a front-row seat in God's amazing work in their lives. My adopted adults are the one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. It still seems strange to me - strange, but amazing!

Monday, January 28, 2013

stop being right; start being Love

Thursday, January 17, 2013

a week in the life

January is fast-becoming one of my favourite times of the year. I love the stock-taking, the plan-making, the routine-returning, and the life-ordering. My life can use a lot of ordering in some areas, but in other areas I'm impressed with how routine and organized things are. I find writing out the routines I already have in place helps me to organize where to put anything that doesn't have a spot in my over-crowded life. Here's a quick overview of my week.(boring, I know, but it's the type of thing I find fascinating, so feel free to share yours with me)

Monday - Walk the girls to school. Tidy a bit. Read (right now in Nehemiah and Matthew) and journal. Run errands for work - usually Costco, Dollarama, Bulk Barn or Atlantic Wholesalers. Arrive at work for 1130am. At 6pm, head for home. Make something easy for supper so we can eat without a big wait. At 830, read a chapter to Laurie (right now, we're reading, I Want to Go Home by Gordon Korman). At 900, read a chapter to Marcella (right now, we're reading, Pippi Longstocking by Astrid Lindgren). 920ish - have a quick chat with Ashlin and then head back down to work at about 940. Finish up the close at work and head home - usually home by 11pm. Grab about 15 minutes of reading before sleep (right now I'm reading Still Alice by Lisa Genova)

Tuesday - At 715, take Laurie to Violin. Walk the other girls to school at 810. Tidy a bit. Read and journal (and prep for esl - right now in Mark). Run some errands for myself, and maybe for work too. Arrive at work for 1130. At 630, leave work to go to esl. (Lately my class has been as many as 14 students from Chile, Korea, Iran, Germany, and China. But I've had students from Japan, Columbia, Tahiti, Mexico, El Salvadore, Argentina, Brazil, Quebec, and probably more I can't remember.) On Tuesdays, Mom picks up the girls, gives them supper, brings them home and puts them to bed. Then she folds laundry, vaccuums, sweeps, and generally spoils me with a clean house! At 9pm, esl is over and I return to work to help shut things down and pick up Colin. Usually home by 11pm. Read. Sleep

Wednesday - Walk the girls to school and tell them "See you tomorrow morning." :( Tidy up a bit. Read and journal. Plan meals for the week. Around 930, Juaniece picks me up and we head down to the market to get our unhomoginized milk, local vegetables, and grass-fed beef/pork. Arrive at work for about 1130. Colin goes home, taking whatever I've had in the slow-cooker all day to the girls for supper. He spends the evening with them. Arrive home from work about 11pm. Read. Sleep.

Thursday - Walk the girls to school. Tidy. Read and Journal (and prep for Sunday School - right now we're studying the life of Jesus). Sometimes on Thursdays, I go back to bed for 40 minutes or so, but it's always really hard to get up the second time. Errands. Arrive at work 1130. Put something in the slow-cooker. 6pm, Colin heads home to be with the girls. We have live music at work on Thursday nights, so it's a fun evening. Arrive home from work around midnight. Read. Sleep.

Friday - Walk the girls to school. Tidy. Read and journal. Make sure there's something for supper. Errands. Arrive at work 1130. On Fridays, Sarah comes to stay with the girls 330-830. They make supper together, clean up, usually go for a walk, and have fun. They love Sarah! Colin arrives home by 830 (after a long, 12-hour day) and puts the girls to bed. I fall into bed sometime around midnight. Read. Sleep.

Saturday - Arrive at work with Colin sometime between 800 and 830. Wash pans, decorate and cut cakes until about noon (I like this morning time together - we usually put Steven Curtis Chapman or Geoff Moore on to listen to). Swing home and bring Ashlin back down to work for the afternoon (I usually get her a sub or wrap on the way for her lunch). Marcella, Laurie and I spend a bit of time together before I grab a nap - about an hour. Then it's back to work for the evening - Colin takes the girls for supper and spends the evening with them. Arrive home about midnight. Read. Sleep.

Sunday - We soooo look forward to Sundays. It's our family day. We drag ourselves out of bed. Church starts at 930 and we're usually on time (but sans breakfast - terrible mother, I know). 1130 is my Sunday School Class (amazing girls 12 and up). We usually plan to go somewhere for lunch. We eat and chat and catch up on each other's lives. At the first of this year, I really wanted to start a healthy family habit  of hiking on Sundays. So far, we've gone hiking twice, and really enjoyed it each time. I plan to make this a permanent part of our Sunday routine. We usually intend to go to church Sunday nights, but after spending a bit of time together, Colin and I are almost always overcome by sleepiness and succumb to a nap. We do a low-key, late supper, watch some tv together and tuck the girls into bed. Read. Sleep.

And then I do the whole thing again.