weakness = strength

"...God left him, to try him, that he might know all that was in his heart." 2Chronicles 32:31 This has been my experience lately. I look in the mirror and I am humbled by what I know is inside me. There is no room for pride when I know my weakness - my failings. I don't believe that God wants me to become acquainted with my weaknesses to humble me or berate me, but to strengthen me!! No one is so strong as one who knows her weakness. In God's sight, pride in self is the greatest failing of all. He does not want me to be self-loathing or to despise myself - He only wants me to be knowledgable of what is real.

Lately, I have been struggling again with anxiety. I can relate it to some degree to stress in my life. But mostly, I am certain it is a weakness that can serve to lead me daily to the only One who can calm every storm. I am convinced that it is not circumstances or even actions that are God's will in my life, but a "heart-set" (as opposed to mind-set) that does not change with changing circumstances. It is always God's will that I choose peace in every struggle. The way I respond internally is of much more importance to Him than what I do physically or outwardly.

So why do I respond the way I do to trouble or stress? Why can't I just trust in the God I know. My very physical response to stress - anxiety - is proof positive of my human failing. I can never "have it all together." I will never be perfect while I am living on this earth. And yet, all these things that cause me to turn to Jesus - to the "lover of my soul" must be celebrated. And so, don't offer me anti-anxiety pills - give me JESUS!! And when I am struggling with this physical body of mine again tomorrow - give me Jesus again tomorrow!

motherhood

Now that Ashlin and Marcella have gone back to school, I have been spending a lot more quality time with Laurie. She is such a funny kid. Just now, she found a purse full of pennies, dumped them out on the floor and said, "this is a billion of money!" The other day, I french-braided part of Marcella's hair before school. Laurie wanted me to do hers too, so she said, "Mommy, I want you to braid my hair in french too!" Her awareness of the world around her is growing and her phrases sound a lot like me. I love viewing the world through her eyes. I can't believe how quickly she is growing up. Already I am learning to loosen my hold to let her become the person God created her to be - with her own personality. And she is only 4!!! I pray that God will give me wisdom and patience enough to obey Him in letting my daughters grow into the young ladies that He has created. This is probably the hardest part of motherhood - letting go little by little so it is not all at once.