leaning hard

I'm reading a book by Isobel Kuhn. In it, she categorizes times in her life by describing how she felt - "when all my little candleflames were blown out," and "small harrassments," and "overcoming obstacles." I would describe this time in my life as "leaning hard" because I feel that I am leaning hard upon God. Sometimes my relationship with Him is lovely and intimate. Sometimes it is enlightening or inspiring. Right now, though, I am feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. Mostly I am feeling overwhelmed mentally and emotionally - even though I am also physically very, very busy. When I feel this way - when I just feel sort of blah and uninspired, that is when I most need my relationship with God; with Jesus. I am leaning heavily on Him every day in the little things. I might say, "Oh God, please give me the strength to just get through this day," or "Lord, I am feeling so dumpy today, I need your grace to show kindness." And there is such a comfort in Him. It makes me wonder how people cope who don't have a relationship with Jesus. That sweet comfort of knowing He will never change. He will love me the same when I am "unloveable" as when I am wonderful and gracious. And He does give me the mental, emotional, and, yes, physical strength to get through each day. I have been taught, since I was a child, how to show kindness to others even when I don't feel like it; how to be gracious even when my feelings are hurt. And I can do these things for a limited amount of time. But, when I reach the end of my own strength, God gives true strength. Oh, how I wish I could learn to access His strength sooner. It is so much deeper than mine. But even when I wait until the very last second, He is right there, waiting to bear me up. This time of leaning hard upon God is difficult. I am constantly being challenged. But even in this time, this struggle, I wouldn't change it if I could. God allows me to see the "big picture" just enough to know that I need this. And that is His love to me.

I feel as though I didn't communicate the solid comfort that God is to me right now; the true strength He gives. Maybe it cannot be communicated in words.

filling the void

I've been thinking all day about the verse, "I reckon our sufferings are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. No one but me could ever consider my "sufferings" to be sufferings. And maybe that is the frustrating part. We all long to be understood, known. And God knows that we long for this, because He made us for it. He "wired" us to long for intimacy, to have another care and understand our hurts and our triumphs. But it is a place only He can fill. God created in each of us a void that can never be filled with another human being, or even whole groups of people. We try and try to fit something in there, but it is never enough. And we blame whatever it is that doesn't fit. The problem is that nothing and no one will ever fill that void because it was created to only be filled by God. And as I write this, I am convicted in my soul, "You write like you have this all figured out. But you don't." Oh, I don't. I am like Paul when he writes in Romans about not doing what he knows he should do,and doing those things he hates. I know these things in my head, but so often, I try to fill that void with people or things or ideas. I expected my poor husband to fill it when we were first married, and was frustrated with him when it didn't work. Oh, God didn't put that longing there just to make me unhappy. He knew that without it I would never search for Him. I am just too complacent. And I fill up my life with so many things, so much "doing." God wants me to turn to Him for fulfillment, for joy, for closeness. He never said this would be easy. It is very difficult to turn away from all of the physical things that catch my attention and make time to access the Spiritual. It is much easier to just become distracted by things that won't require anything from me -- things that promise "no effort required on your part, no commitment, no accountability." God doesn't promise these things. In fact He promises just the opposite - but He promises it will be worth it. And He never breaks His promises. A relationship with God is not some easy, happy, "dollarstore", thing. It is valuable. It costs. But, it is worth the cost. It is worth the struggle. The rewards are amazing now and immeasurable for eternity.

bicycles and faith

We took Marcella down to the basketball court this morning to teach her how to ride a two-wheeler. Actually, we took all the girls, but Ashlin already knows how to ride, and Laurie still uses training wheels. Colin and I quickly got tired of running along beside Marcella saying, "It's ok, I've got you. Pedal. Watch where you're going. No, don't look at me. Yes, I'm holding on. I won't let go yet...." I think she's starting to get the "feeling" that you need to balance your bike. It's funny. Once you feel that "balancing feeling" just one time, you never lose it. You could learn to ride, and then not ride for 10 years, and then get right on and go. (I did try to explain this to Marcella, but I think she thinks I'm a bit crazy.) I've been thinking a lot lately about how some people can see God everywhere - in nature, other people, stories...etc. They have "seen" Him, and now they can't help but see Him everywhere. But others who have never had that experience of "seeing God", can look at the same things completely blind to Him. It is kind of similar to riding a bike. Ok, just a bit similar, but go with me here. Nothing about the bike changes between knowing how to ride it and not knowing. It does not take any intellectual knowledge on the part of the person learning. Neither does it take any great amount of practice or perfecting. It is mostly that "feeling" of balance. Once you feel it, the rest just comes naturally. Why then do I need to take Marcella to the basketball court to learn? Couldn't I just wait until that balancing feeling comes to her? Nope, the feeling comes with the trying. It will never happen if I say, "I will wait until I feel it first, then I will get on the bike." So, what am I saying? Basically, that believing in God requires a certain amount of faith. Not, "it doesn't make sense, but I believe it anyway" kind of "faith" - that is not faith, it's laziness. But "I don't understand exactly what it is or how it happens, but I've seen evidence of it, so I will attempt it myself"-kind-of-faith. That was my lesson from God today on faith....I rather liked it.

being real

So often, when we think of living "Spirit-filled lives," we think of praying, reading the Bible, singing worship songs, proclaiming Christ.... all noble pursuits, but not the whole. We are humans, earthy. We were created to live here, on this earth. Yes, we were created by Someone greater and we were created for a relationship with Him. That relationship can/will be worked out here - doing earthy, everyday things. When I walk my children to school, I am part of this great creation. When I am doing laundry, I am no less than when I am on my knees before the "throne of heaven." My life is not summed up in the moments of great inspiration or fabulous communication with God. He is vast and His communication can be Magnificent, but everyday life is where He is most solid and real to me. When I am most overwhelmed and I turn to Him for strength, the strength He gives is solid; tangible. I am not wonderful or great or even fair - though I aspire to be. I love that I can aspire to be these things, and I know that I will always be learning them. I need, not to be, but to become. The moment I think I have "arrived," I become useless, I lose the "earthy" and the real. It is truly in the everyday that I learn God, and communicate Him. He is Love, Light, and Truth. He is the opposite of sin. Learning Him is tangible and must be, even though it is also spiritual.
Oh, I had a whole day off yesterday - my first, other than Sundays, in months. It gave me the strength to decide to make changes to my current situation - changes I have been resisting without realizing it for weeks and weeks. I have tried to be real about my situation before God, and felt He was directing me - which He was and is, but I was holding a part back - part that I was unwilling to give up. Of course I didn't realize this, and God so gently showed me by giving me a glimpse of all that I am missing. He didn't rip that part I was holding so tightly out of my hands, but caused me to be willing to release my hold on it. This is my favorite thing about my relationship with God: He will not leave me to fool myself. He always brings me to the place of being honest with myself and before Him. And it is always in such a gentle way. But firm. He is the perfect "parent" and I would do well to model my parenting after the One who created families. I am grateful that I can rely on Him to keep me real; to bring me to the place where I can see the flaw that is causing pain/greif. I am relying on Him for this for the future and I know it will happen many times over, but it is a great comfort to know I will not be left to my own "understanding," but will gently be led to greater understanding.

Ok, this is very rambly and I am tempted to delete the whole thing, but that's what blogging is for (at least for me) - to work out in words those thoughts that are floating around in my head without anchor. It is always helpful to me, anyway.