Jeremiah 29:13

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

part 1
Peary breathes out a long cold breath of wonder.
It hangs heavy in the crisp, cold air.
Why has he not seen this before?
Beautiful snow-capped mountains, deep valleys.
A new land undiscovered? untouched by civilization?
Low provisions, a ship full of weary explorers - no time.
But beautiful Crockerland...what strange new peoples await?
The excitement fills his chest.

Back in America.
Lectures pleading for an expedition.
Who will uncover the mysteries of this new land?
MacMillan and Green head the conquest.
Inuit guides are secured.
A long difficult journey. Many dangers. Much personal pain.
Weary exporers, guided by locals trek across the ice.
"We must turn back," warn the guides.
Just a little further.
MacMillan enjoys the exhilaration of Peary's view so long ago.
Look at those mountains. Beautiful.
The destination will be reached before the sun goes down.
The guides shake their heads. They know something.
MacMillan fears they may be right.
He cannot come this far and not know for sure.
They press on.
Where are the mountains? the valleys?
Standing on an ice floe, surrounded by mist.
The Arctic is a cruel magician.
Defeated the expedition heads home. Its hopes and dreams dashed.

part 2
I sit in the field and gaze at the nature around me.
The field grass moves in perfect unison.
A bluejay mimics the hawk as she discovers food.
The bright, blue sky shines around the puffy clouds.
The gigantic trees sway in the breeze.
I must have a Creator. The Maker of this beautiful universe.
He seems but a mirage to me, but a tiny flame of hope is lit within me.
I try to go back to my everyday life.
The flame flickers and grows and refuses to go out.
I must know. How do I find Him?
I travel often back to where the flame was first ignited...searching.
I discover more and more beautiful intricacies in nature.
How could this be an accident?
A friend learns of my search. She says she knows Him.
She will be my guide.
I read from the Book and discover myself within the pages.
It is a long, difficult journey. The pain is powerful.
Am I full of such wickedness? Deep inside I know that I am.
Denying is not possible. I turn to my guide for help.
She shows me more in the Book. Who is this Jesus?
He is truly Divine. He is Love.
Hot tears cover my cheeks. Why are they killing Him?
"Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."
Truly, this is the Creator. The one for whom I have searched.
My wickedness laid on Him. I am free.
Here I discover no mirage. A solid Rock!

the bluejay

This morning I saw a bluejay hopping through the bushes. It was cold and the wind was biting against my skin. How do these birds survive such cold winters? I find winter long and difficult even in my heated, comfortable house. I don't have to go scrounge for food when all is dead and covered by snow. And yet, I'm sure the bluejay doesn't struggle with stress or anxiety the way I do. There is certainly something to be said for fulfilling your God-given purpose. The bluejay is doing exactly what God created it to do. Just seeing its bright blue standing out against the drab post-winter background brought joy to me as I hurried home, covering my face against the wind. I'm not saying we should all just leave the comforts we have come to rely on, and live outside like the bluejay. I believe that God gave us the ability to create what we need to live comfortably in this climate. But, how often do I miss the reality that is all around me because I am driving somewhere plastic in my plastic car, eating plastic food, thinking about plastic things. My challenge is to live a real life - an authentic life - in this plastic world. Real life isn't as exciting, on the surface, as TV or even books, but it is fulfilling and deep.
Thank you, bluejay, for the much-needed lesson!

forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. What exactly is forgiveness? and why is it so hard to give? First of all, forgiveness is probably one of the most powerful concepts in the universe. It is not "being over something" and letting someone "off the hook". It is not easy or cheap. True forgiveness costs. In John 15:13, Jesus tells his disciples, "Greater love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friend." I always thought this verse was referring to dying for a friend. It may actually mean that. But I think giving forgiveness when it really costs us is more difficult - laying down my life - what I want - my rights, truly shows great love! If I indulge my anger or my righteous indignation when I am wronged, and then go forgive my friend, is that truly forgiveness? It is certainly not costly. It is easy to say I have forgiven if I have punished first. But the power is lost. There is no power in false forgiveness.

When I forgive someone who has hurt me - particularly if I feel I would be justified in being angry - I take on the "cost" of that hurt. This means I am hurt twice - once by my friend, and once by choosing not to pass on the hurt. This is the cost of forgiveness. I must make the point here that there is a giant difference between forgiveness and trust. If I have been hurt by someone I trusted. I am able (and required) to forgive them, but I should not give back trust so easily. Trust must be earned. By not trusting them again immediately, I am not "holding a grudge" but simply protecting myself from future hurts.

I am trying to teach my daughters to forgive each other immediately when the get into a squabble - even before the other apologizes. An apology is not necessary for forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary to keep me from becoming bitter and hateful. But I never require my daughters to give back trust. That is a different matter altogether.

God has given us the perfect example/pattern for forgiveness. First, we hurt God by sinning against him. Then, God was hurt again when he sent Jesus to suffer the consequence of our sin. Jesus is God, so he was baring the cost himself. God did not wait for us to apologize before forgiving us. He forgave first. Unfortunately, we cannot know or experience that forgiveness without knowing God. It would be the same if I forgave my friend, but then she refused to ever see me or visit me again. The forgiveness would be just as real on my end, but how would she ever know or experience the good of it unless she spent time with me? By doing so, she would be accepting my forgiveness.

There have been times when I have been hurt and I wasn't willing to forgive. I nursed my anger and righteous indignation until it was about to consume me. Anger does that - especially anger that is righteous. I mean, if I have been truly wronged. Once, when I was driving to work, a huge dump truck almost pulled into my lane without any signal when it was right beside me. I would have been demolished. It really, really scared me. Luckily, at the last second, the driver must have looked in his mirror, and he swerved back to his own lane. When I pulled ahead so I was at the front of the truck, still shaking from fear, the driver gave me a nasty look and a rude gesture! Me! I was doing nothing wrong! He almost killed me. Oh, the righteous anger. I think I yelled at three other cars on the rest of my drive to work. I was passing on the anger. I could feel God telling me to let it go. Forgiving that driver would do nothing for him, but it made a world of difference for me. It was an interesting lesson for me on how important it is to forgive immediately - for my own sake. I held on to that anger all the way across the bridge. And it was growing inside me; ballooning up in my chest and spilling out on all the other drivers on the road. And there are a lot of not-so-bright drivers in the city! But the anger was taking over my whole being. (and this is just a small example of my anger!) As soon as I said it aloud -right there in my van on the Bedford Highway - "I forgive you. I forgive you for scaring me and then acting like it was my fault." - I was released from the power of the fear and anger. When I said those words, the power of that anger was gone. I took what was left of my hurt and fear, and I chose to bare the cost of it and not pass it on. I chose to be free from the cycle.

Recently, I was presented with a hurt that was more difficult to forgive. It was not a huge thing, but it was difficult for me to forgive because a small amount of trust had been eaten away. I know that this trust will need to be built again, but the forgiveness has given me the freedom to start building.

I guess, the more I think I know about forgiveness, the more I realize I have yet to learn. I am just amazed by the power it holds - power to set me free. I need not be held captive by those who have hurt me. I can forgive them and be free from the power of their hurt. And by forgiving them, not give them back the power to hurt me again - that's trust - but remove the power of the past hurts.

So, if the driver of a really big dump truck, who almost crushed a grey mini-van on the circumferential highway in Dartmouth ever reads my blog: I forgive you!

i'm back.

So much has happened in my life since I last posted. I love my new house, and the freedom that has come with living so close to work. I have gone through a time (too long) of being preoccupied with my physical circumstances - putting God on the back burner. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I was so busy with life, with new things, places, people. I really didn't even notice that I had stopped considering my spiritual needs - I was enjoying lots of new things - physical things, like a dining room set, a computer, a new house. Of course I can't blame the "things". But I am glad to be back. I needed to plug back in to my spiritual self. I was becoming dissatisfied with things - little things. I was easily annoyed and frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, and unable to live in the peace that God has given me. You know, that peace that makes life calm even in chaos, that gives love in the middle of hatred and rudeness. I found myself wanting to be rude back - even initiating rudeness when I was having a bad day. I had become so focused on myself, my need for "happiness", that I had no time for the problems of others. Oh, it has been a great Christmas. My greatest gift was from God who woke me up and reawakened in me a desire to know Him, more than pleasing myself. Things were entertaining and pleasing me for a while, but in my soul, I needed to seek God. It's going to be a great 2008.

Holly

Holly looked down at her favorite sneakers sliding in the fresh mud. She could feel it squishing against the worn tread. The tread was her favorite part about those sneakers. It came up over the toes and heels. She was certain this made her run faster. It didn't matter that the blue canvas was worn and faded, and the pictures on the sides had started to rub off. These sneakers were special. She could still remember the day Mom had bought them at Stedmans for her older sister. Sometimes she felt as though it was her feet that were measured that day, and she remembered looking down proudly at her new sneakers as she walked over the creaky wooden floors and out of the store. But it hadn't been her. She hadn't needed new sneakers for school. It was Heather who was five. She had picked out the Bubblegummers, as the sneakers were called. But all that didn't matter - the Bubblegummers were hers now.
She looked around at the dusky sky, the sound of the harvester droning in the distance and then coming closer. Sometimes it frightened her, but she knew she was safe. Daddy was with them. He knew everything and he would keep her safe.
"Ok, girls," said her mom, "don't go too far from us. And try to find the whole ones." Mom and Aunt Mimi each held a burlap bag. It was fun being outside after bedtime with everybody. They waited until Daddy came home from work and they'd finished supper before piling into the car and driving to the field. She looked down and spotted one. It was a beautiful carrot, even though it was still covered in mud. Then she saw another and another. She ran from carrot to carrot, scooping them up into her arms until she couldn't hold even one more. Then she ran to Aunt Mimi and tried to get them all into the bag. The burlap felt scratchy against her skin. Heather ran over with a handful of carrots to put in. She had her thumb in her mouth, so she could only gather the carrots with one hand. Holly didn't think it was strange for a six-year-old to be still sucking her thumb. But she didn't really understand what Heather saw in it. She had tried it, but her thumb always tasted funny, and then it made her thumb all wet, which was annoying. Even Hannah, who was only four, didn't suck her thumb. But she did like to cry to Mommy about everything. Holly and Heather found this quite amusing and often thought up ways to trick Hannah. They weren't trying to be mean, it was just so fun to be able to trick someone. Holly, especially liked feeling like a big kid - like she knew more than someone - even if it was only Hannah.
Before long, the bags were full. Daddy threw them in the trunk, and they all climbed into the Oldsmobile. Holly snuggled up next to Aunt Mimi who had Hannah on her lap. This time, Holly decided, she would fall asleep on the way home so she could get carried into the house and tucked into bed. She could barely hear the swish, swish of Heather's "norner," a piece of a satin blanket all folded up into a point. Heather rubbed it back and forth against her lip as she sucked her thumb.
Then her parents started to sing. That was the best part about car rides. Her mom's clear crystally voice with her dad's harmony was about the most beautiful thing she could think of. "I strolled along the road one day..." Mom began. Then Daddy joined in and the car was filled with warmth and peace. "...and it was not the narrow way. I met a Stranger. He spoke to me. He said my child where goest thou. I said I seek the road just now to worldly pleasure, along the way. Turn back my child, for the way is very steep. The things you'll find up there, you cannot keep. The way is filled with thorns. And the things you'll find are cheap. Turn back my child, come home with me." Holly's eyes closed. She could feel Aunt Mimi singing too. She felt completely safe and happy. Daddy was driving. He was the best driver in the world. No matter what happened, he would know what to do and how to fix it. The dirt roads were starting to look familiar again as they started the last verse of the song. "...And then He gently took my hand. He lifted me from sinking sand. He said, My child believe in me. And then such beauty I beheld. I'm sure that I could never tell. He said, My child, come home with me..." Holly wanted to know the man in the song. She knew it was Jesus. He seemed so gentle, so loving. When she tried to picture Him, she could only see Grampy. Her mom's dad had come to Nova Scotia as a missionary from Ireland before her mom was born. He was the most gentle, most wonderful man Holly could think of. He had an Irish accent and he always wore suits or, on casual days, dress pants, a button-up shirt, and a sweater. He had never preached to her - she had heard him preach at church and he was powerful and real. But at home he just played with Holly and her sisters. He made wonderful paper airplanes and could make a hula hoop "come back." He jumped over chairs and gave her piggyback rides. What made him like Jesus, like the man in the song, Holly thought, was not what he said or did, but what he was. The way she felt when he was around - sure and calm and loved.
The car pulled down the tree-lined driveway. Holly was mostly asleep, but still aware enough to know they were home. She kept her eyes closed and her breathing slow. Daddy lifted her out and carried her up to her room. She struggled to stay "asleep" as Mommy took off her sneakers and tucked her under the covers. Soon the room was still and Holly looked over at Hannah sound asleep in her bed. "Why couldn't I really be asleep, like her," she wondered, "instead of having to pretend?" Holly sometimes felt that her whole life was a big pretend. She tried to figure out how she should think and feel about things, she so wanted to please everyone. Sometimes she felt jealous of her sisters, who seemed, not only content with who they were, but they really just were - without trying. Heather was so sure of herself and always knew what she thought about everything. Sometimes Holly just copied Heather because that was easy, but it didn't feel right - and Heather hated it. She wanted Holly to think for herself - to have her own opinions. Holly wished she could. Even Hannah seemed to know who she was. She was the cute one. She didn't have to think about how she should act; she was just herself without even trying. At least that's they way it seemed to Holly.

marcella kathleen

gentle and fiesty at the same time

a lover of flowers, and all things beautiful and delicate

a helper

loves to sleep late, all cozy in her fashionable pyjamas (jimajins!)

fingernails like Barbie!

does not take second place, even though she is born second - she is a true leader when her big sister isn't around

learning to laugh at herself, which is harder than it seems

she is a true cuddler and snuggler

a diligent learner - follows directions wonderfully

she may push you away at first, but she is fiercely loyal

conscious of her appearance; worried about the opinions of others

appreciates the simple things in life, causing others to appreciate them too

she has an infectious smile (grin)

ashlin glenn

loves fiercely

she draws you into her world

full of wonder at the world around her

confident

she loves to laugh and make others laugh

intelligent jokes, like puns, are her favorite

she feels things so deeply

a lover of all animals

unconcerned about the opinions of others

unconscious of her beauty

crazy for horses

the life of the party - she carries "fun" in an invisible backpack everywhere she goes