the sanctuary

"In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah.......And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High. I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old. I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings. Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?" Psalm 77:2,3,10 - 13

Verses 2 and 3 are somewhat how I feel lately - overwhelmed. I feel stress in almost every area of my life. I am not enough. I cannot hold it together. Everything I put my hand to turns sour. I fail. Some of these feelings are hormones; or, I guess, the hormones make the little feelings stronger and more difficult to push away. I know the way I should act/feel and yet I fail. I know the "type" of person I want to be - and I am not.

Then come the answers in verses 10 - 13. Remember God. Think about Him. Get your focus off of yourself and on the LORD. Sounds simple enough. But try putting it into practice. Truly, a person who is feeling sorry for herself wants only to think of herself. And yet the answer doesn't change. God says, You want peace, joy, strength? Cease from focusing on yourself; think on Me. Come into the sanctuary of My presence and rest.

I am not blessed when I cease to have struggles or difficulty. Jesus says I am blessed when I hunger and thirst after righteousness. (Matt.5:6) And so, today, I consider myself to be blessed indeed.

truck lights

I was listening to the radio on my way home from work last night; I always listen to CBC radio on the way home, and Thursdays are my favorite - Vinyl Cafe. Yesterday, it was about this man who came in the 50's to northern Canada as a missionary from France. It was before telephones or television up there, so he became very close to the people. On the program, a poem was read that this man had written called, "Truck Lights." The poem was like a story about a trip he took with one of the village elders. At one point on the long dark drive, the elder said, "You know, driving a truck is a lot like faith in God." The author pondered this statement for a while before asking what he meant. Basically, what the elder explained was that when they started the truck and turned on the lights, they could only see 100 feet in front of them and there was still 100 kilometers of darkness between them and their destination. As they put the truck into gear and drove, however, the lights continued to light up the road in front of them - just enough road for them to go further. They never saw the whole 100 kms lit up at once. That, he said, is like having faith in God. He never shows us the end before we get there. He just lights enough for us to take another step. Then, when we do, our way is lit from there.
I thought this was a brilliant analogy. (pun intended). God certainly doesn't expect us to have blind faith. However, He doesn't light up our entire path so we can see the end at the beginning. He gives us just enough understanding/faith/light to see our next move. I liked this right now because my life is a bit up in the air at the moment. Some days I question God - "Where is this going?" "What are Your plans?" "How is this going to make sense?" But it is not mine to know the end, only the next step. I guess that's what faith is. Trusting, based on who I know God to be, that I will arrive at a destination; that I am not just driving all over the tundra aimlessly. I entrust the destination to Him and just take each step as it comes.

punchbuggy - no punch backs

My girlies (aged 8, 6, and 4) are crazy. I guess they're just like I was, with my sisters, when I was a kid. It's what makes me love them so much. We play a game whenever we're driving. Punchbuggies. You know, the usual drill - whenever you see a VW Beetle the first person to say "punchbuggy, no punch backs" gets it. Of course, we've made the rule that there is no actual punching - that got ugly. And we play on teams. All the girls and me against Papa - He's too quick to have anyone on his team. He is very competitive; as is Ashlin. Sometimes she tries to change the rules if she's not winning. But the funniest (and most annoying) part is that the girls have taken it to a whole new extreme. They have little sayings for many, many vehicles. Punchbuggies are the only ones we actually keep track of, but driving with them is filled with shouts, especially from Laurie, the youngest. Here's a list of all the little sayings (that I can remember) that they have made up.
Smart Car - no tickle backs
Van's twin - we win (this is for any silver van, like ours)
Motorcycle - you're a psycho
PT Cruiser - you're a bruiser
Bus - gus
Convertible - you're invisible
Luigi - this is for any really small cars like "Luigi" off of the movie "Cars"

Yes, on days like these Colin looks at me and says "Those are definately your kids." And he's right. We were nutty just like that. We loved to repeat "Mic Mac Rotary" in a sing-songy voice all the way to Halifax until we drove my dad nuts. It can be really, really annoying, but when they're not with me, I actually miss it. I love how they play together. I love when they make things up. They are truly my greatest blessing!

crazy wonderful life

I am amazed, lately, with how infinitely varied our lives are. I live in the same house with four other beings. Each of them, although we share many (or most) experiences, has their own thoughts, feelings, personalities - so different from mine that, were we to describe them, could easily be mistaken for different events. My focus or line of thinking will dictate how I view a particular event. Combine that with background, previous experiences, and personality and you have five vastly different experiences of the same happening. Very interesting. At the same time, I am noticing how very alike I am with someone of a completely different culture. I am in the middle of a really good book - a true story of a girl who grew up in China. She was born less than ten years earlier than me, so I am fascinated by her story. She lived in China - a place so very different than Canada. In China the idea of privacy is almost absurd. It doesn't exist. Neither does humour, as we know it. Suspicion and fear are commonplace and every action is monitered by someone. Petty theft is rampant. Of course, these are very sweeping generlizations, but compared to the life I have known, this is the way I view China. With all these differences, it is amazing how much I relate to this Chinese girl. Her hopes, dreams, feelings - all resonate with those same things in me. As I read her story, I feel I could almost be her. How is this possible? How can we all be so different, and yet so alike?! The more I learn about life, myself, others, the more I realize just how much God loves variety. Contrary to what many Churches would teach, God does not want us all to be the same. There is not ONE way to please Him or find Him or learn Him. There are as many as there are people. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I'm just enjoying being part of this amazing life, learning about others and their individual stories that aren't so different from my own, afterall.
OK, here's a funny little story from my life. Yesterday, when I went into the gas station to pay for the gas I had put in my van, the girl asked me if I wanted a car wash. I was distracted and she had to ask me again. I said, "no thanks." But then I remembered a sign that I had noticed on the pumps indicating the car wash was out of order. I thought that maybe they had forgotten to take down the sign, so I said, "Ummm, there's actually a sign out there that says your car wash isn't working..." The girl looked at me, slightly annoyed, and said, "I still have to ask!" I was confused. I asked her, "What if I had said yes?" She replied very contemptuously, "It's good for three months!!" That was one crazy moment from my day yesterday. I love hearing other people's crazy moments. Share one with me if you have the time.

no goal for me

For a few days, I have been thinking about something I read in "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. It is the idea that God has no goal for my life that He is working to bring me toward. What??? No goal? But Jeremiah tells me that He has plans for me - plans for good and not evil. If God has no Great Goal where my life will eventually end up, then what? How is He a force in my life? What about those plans? Oh, God has plans for me, but they are not "achievable" the way a goal is. I will not, one day, realize, "I've arrived! This is it." No, God's dealings in my life are much more intimate than a goal. He "walks on the chaos of my life," as Oswald Chambers put it. His plans for me involve right now, not just a distant future. Somehow, I find this very comforting. I don't need to panic that I have not reached a goal. I can find peace and joy in the chaos that is my life as I watch God "walking right on top." And I can walk on it too - I can step out of the boat, like Peter, and walk right on top, keeping my eyes on the One who knows more about me and my life than I do! Oh, it is not the goal that God is interested in, but the process. And He is teaching me right here in the middle of full vaccuum bags, trips to the library, and cereal crumbs - teaching me to view the world in new ways, about myself and the possibility of change, and about His definition of success. This is why I am here. This is my purpose; to learn, to grow, to love.

love's sweet repose

"But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come he might show the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." Ephesians 2:4-9
I am thankful that my place in heavenly places, together with Christ Jesus, is not dependant on me. I battle within myself. I do what I don't want to do, I don't do what I want to do. I can not merit the place in heaven that Christ gives. But his grace and kindness to me makes me want to do those things that will bring Glory to Him!! I am shown something greater than self - and pleasing self. The love wherewith he loved me is pure and true and unconditional. It gives me a glimpse of that true love, devoid of self, that is worth striving for. The love that gives and doesn't take. The love that builds up, purifies, and refreshes the recipient. It is the opposite of lust - the currency of this world - because there is no self in it. It requires nothing and gives inspiration, hope and beauty. When we experience true love, we will never trade it for lust. Lust is not even a predecessor to love. It is filled with self and need and greed. It deceives by acting like it will give and fulfill, but it leaves only emptiness and sorrow. Love gives at a cost to the giver and with no cost or requirement to the receiver.
"Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour." Ephesians 5:1-2

remembering Clayton

I have been hit by the truck of learning that someone who has been such an influence in my life has passed away. Clayton was the most unassuming man I have ever met (actually one of them, because, thankfully, Nova Scotia has many!) However, Clayton was different than most, because he cared about people and wasn't afraid to show it. When I first met him, I was a bit confused. I thought, "Why is this adult talking to us 'kids' as though we have something important to say?" Clayton didn't just make small talk about our parents or whatever, and then go on to talk with other adults; He listened to us, had conversations with us, and treated us like we were valuable human beings with important thoughts, ideas and lives. Even when we weren't that interesting. Clayton and his wife welcomed us into their home whenever we were in the area - just to hang out and chat. He encouraged us to be kind and show love, not by preaching to us, but by demonstrating love and tolerance and complete acceptance. I am thankful that I had Clayton during those difficult years of discovering who I was. I pray that I will learn to be more like Clayton so I can give that same gift to others.