small miracle

We had a small miracle at our house today. It all started with Ashlin's missing agenda and math homework for school. I didn't realize they were missing until Monday morning. Colin and I were both at work when she came home from school on Friday. So, that evening when I checked her backpack, I just assumed that she hadn't brought anything home. Monday morning we turned the house upside down looking for them. All day Monday, and again this morning it weighed heavy on my mind - where could they be? I checked all of the crazy, just-maybe spots. Being overtired, way too busy and just overwhelmed, I didn't think to ask God for help. I just bulled my way through the house looking everywhere. Still no homework books. Tonight Colin decided enough was enough. He had prayed this morning that God would guide us to find them, but it wasn't His timing. Tonight, he sat on Ashlin's bed and prayed, "God, here is an opportunity to teach my little girl that You are real, and that You do care about even the little things. Please, if it is Your will, show me where those books are." When Colin lifted up his head from praying, his eyes rested on Ashlin's pink Barbie suitcase sitting in her room where it usually sits. "Naw," he thought, "she would have remembered if she had put them there...." Still, he opened the suitcase and Voila! the case of the missing homework was solved. I know this is only a small miracle, and some would even call it coincidence - I don't believe in coincidences, only God-incidences. My lesson for the day - pray first. That doesn't mean God is a "magic wishing fairy", but He cares about even the little things - how much more the big things that have me stressed out! How I needed that lesson. I've been trying to "do it all" myself - not very successfully, I might add. What a wonderful end to a stressful day.

rambling thoughts

Whew! What a long day at work I had today. It was really only about eight hours, but they were busy, difficult hours. And here it is, almost one o'clock in the morning, and I'd love to be in bed, but I sit here and type - trying to unwind. Some nights I just feel so tired of it all. This is really one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had. It is very physically demanding. You wouldn't think making pizzas would be so hard. But, maybe it's the sheer volume of pizzas. We made more than 200 pizzas tonight. I just kept wishing everyone would go home. And so I question, "Why am I doing this?", and "Is it worth it?" I've already questioned God on this one and felt His reassuring hand on my shoulder. But after a night like tonight, and after a week like this week, I begin to question again. "How am I going to keep up this pace?" "Are the kids paying the price for this?" Arrgh. I want to just shut off my brain for some quiet. I am so tired. This is tired talking. I will feel better in the morning. I will ask God these questions tomorrow. He will know what to do. He will not be surprised by my doubts. Before I go to bed, one funny thing happened at work yesterday. Two oldish ladies came in to the restaurant (they looked like the type who would pounce on you if you said the wrong thing - very judgemental) and one of them looked around and said, "Is this Subway?" I kept a straight face while I sold her a pizza.

Learning God

Originally, I started this blog to record snippets of my daily life and my kids' lives, but mostly to record how God works in my everyday life. The "little" ways He surprises me daily (if anything about God can be little). He is teaching me now, however, that although I can share my experiences and write about them, I cannot communicate God. Only God can do that and He does it to individuals - not to groups through the experience of one. My experience of learning God could seem inconsequential to another, or even made-up. That doesn't mean I am going to stop recording my experiences here, but my goal has changed. If God chose to use my blog to reveal Himself to another, that would be His choice, but I will be able to look back and re-enjoy the moments He shared with me. The more I learn about God, the more I realize just how personal He is. He does not expect me to change who I am to learn Him the way another person does. He meets me in my own experience. I could not begin to write all the ways God has met me in my experience - the internet itself could not contain them. I could not put them into words. But, deep inside, I know them - I know Him. For this I am grateful and thankful everyday.

Laurie Marie

Laurie is the craziest kid! Yesterday morning, she decided Maple's nickname should be July. (Maple is our cat). She went around the house saying, "July, July, come here." and "July! Get off the table!!" When I asked her why "July"?, she just said, "because then you can say July, July, July, July, July!"

Depression

I do not pretend to be an expert on this subject. Not even remotely. But I have something to say because of a gift God gave me - a gift that I begged Him to take away at the time. It is the gift of experience. No, it was not pretty. After the birth of #2 (beautiful Marcella), it came - and it gave no relief. But now that I can see it in retrospect, it was indeed a gift. Strange gift, you might say. Anxiety, anger, paranoia, sadness... the list goes on. But, really, how else could I ever understand the realities of depression? And it is a condition that plagues many; way more that I ever knew. And I had this view of depression, "get over it, move on, just focus on something other than yourself." Wow, did I need education. And God gave it, oh, so graciously. During that time of depression and chaotic hormones, God drew me so close to Him. I didn't see it at the time, but I can surely see it now. I learned more about Him because I was forced to search for something to ease my torment. Without prompting, I am the type of person who just goes along in my life, happy as a clam - never needing to learn more. But God gave me a gift. He showed more than I ever knew I was missing. No, I'm not saying that God gave me the depression. But He did use it to give me understanding, compassion, and the strength that only comes with experience. So, finally, I am at the place where I can thank God for allowing me to experience the most difficult thing in my entire life. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."Jeremiah 29:11

what i learned from my Dad

Lately I've been noticing just how like my father I have become. Mostly this is a good thing. I can't think of anyone in this world that I respect more. Which leads me to a new lesson. One of the biggest things my Dad taught me (not necessarily on purpose) was to have very high expectations of myself (and others, because it flows out). This was a good lesson because I learned to hold myself accountable to myself - I don't always need someone to keep me doing my best. Also, I didn't settle when it came to dating or friends.
At work, only the very best job is good enough for me, even if my boss is nowhere to be seen. These are all the ways this lesson has been a benefit to me. But, I think, somewhere along the way, I allowed it to cause me to be somewhat harsh and unsympathetic. Rules are meant to be followed, so if someone does otherwise, I find myself becoming judgemental and callous. Also, I am not perfect, so there is a lot of self-loathing when I don't do what I know is the best job. This is especially difficult as a mother. I am FAR from a perfect mother, but I have high ideals about what she is/ how she acts. This leads to my latest lesson, still taught, unconsciously, by my Dad. When I think about my Dad, I feel so much love and respect. He is so real and strong and kind. But I know him well enough to see his imperfections and failures. And yet, I respect and love him. Maybe I am worth loving without being perfect, too. That is good. Better yet, maybe others are worth loving when they are not perfect. This is a good lesson for me. I am a lot like my Dad, and I couldn't be happier!

what cake?

Ashlin is being totally foolish this morning; as usual. She opens the fridge and says, (in her comic voice) "Yum! Cake!" There is no cake in the fridge. No one appears to be listening. A minute later Laurie comes over, excited, and says, "I want cake!" I whisper (because, once again, I have no voice - sore throat), "There is no cake." Laurie, with her hands on her hips, gets in Ashlin's face, "Why you say cake?" and again, "Why you say CAKE?" She keeps saying it as they both fall on the floor, Ashlin laughing histarically. It is a good start to the morning.