comfort in suffering

Psalm119:49-56 Zayin
Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. The arrogant mock me without restraint, but I do not turn from your law. I remember your ancient laws, O Lord, and I find comfort in them. Indignation grips me because of the wicked, who have forsaken your law. Your decrees are the theme of my song wherever I lodge. In the night I remember your name, O Lord, and I will keep your law. This has been my practice: I obey your precepts.


The first thing that stands out to me here is "comfort in my suffering." Because in this world, we have suffering - that is just the way it is. Our ability to bear our suffering, carrying it like a hiker's giant backpack, is what I am interested in studying. I want the joy, the peace, the beauty of one who adeptly carries her suffering. Oh, I have prayed for God to take my suffering away - many times. Begging him with promises like, "I'll be able to help others more without this burden," and even accusations like, "There is no good purpose in such suffering - it only mocks me!" When we don't understand why we have to carry such an unnecessary burden, we begin to question God - to question his goodness. We become Eve in the garden, desiring to take what is necessary to make our life good, even if God has said no. We get tunnel-vision, like Eve did, focussing in on that one piece of fruit, blind to the orchard overflowing with good things that surrounded her.


There is also a flavour of Psalm 73 here. A little taste of "I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked." I have always been able to relate a little too well to this Psalm. It often does seem as though others receive the answers and things they are going after. My desire for instant gratification envies them. I want, I need, I desire, but I am always telling myself to push those things down the list. At the top of the list is God. I want a relationship with God that is real. I need him to speak to me. I desire Him more than things. And this is my choice, and I don't regret that choice. Until, in the moment of wanting something tangible, something that everyone else seems to have easily, I begin, like the Psalmist, to weaken. By the end of the Psalm, however, he remembers that it is his own choice - that he is delaying gratification for some things so that he can have better things.


All this brings me right back to John 6. (I think everything brings me back to John 6, because it's my favourite). Jesus has just fed the five thousand with the 5 loaves and 2 small fish. Then he seemingly disappeared. The crowd must have really searched for him, because they knew he didn't get into the boat with his disciples, yet they ended up finding him on the other side of the lake. They began to question him about how he got there. Jesus could see in their hearts. He tells them, "You're not looking for me because you've pieced together who I am; you just want more miracles." Oh, he knows our hearts - so bent on instant gratification of whatever takes our fancy. My prayers reflect this sometimes. I pray, "God, I just want to know you more. But, there's this thing. This thing I've been asking you to take out of my life, to heal, to fix. Please, just so I'll know you love me, just so I'll know you really hear me, fix this." I just want instant gratification. I just want a miracle. But Jesus tells the crowd, "Don't strive after temporary things, but for things that will endure to eternal life." And they ask him how to work for what God requires. He says to them, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." I feel like he's really telling them (and me), "You don't believe." But they completely miss the point and continue pressing him for a miracle. They completely ignore what he did for them yesterday, essentially saying, "But what are you going to do for me today? I'll believe if you give me a miracle." O, stubborn heart of mine, so filled with the 'wisdom' of this crowd; how many times have I acted out this sentiment - What will you do for me today?


So, here's the punchline - the message God had for me down this winding rabbit hole: it is what Jesus answered the crowd that day. He said, "I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." He is saying: I am right here! I'm right in front of you! You are asking for a miracle, you want food...I am the bread of life.


And that's what he's telling me. I've been asking for answers for immediate problems. I've been asking for miracles. Meanwhile, I have the Miraclemaker right here! How can I ask for bread when I have the Bread of Life right in front of me?!


So, going back to Psalm 119, my comfort in my suffering is this: Jesus, the Bread of Life, right here, right now, every day.