listening

God started to show me, this morning, that I am a poor listener. At first I was hurt. How could God accuse me of such a thing? I felt a bit blind-sided. But I did one good thing. I decided to pray for wisdom. James 1:5 tells us point-blank: If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God... I also asked for wisdom from above, not from below. James 3:17 tells me that wisdom from above is first pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, and sincere. This is a great contrast to the wisdom from below, which produces bitter jealousy, selfish ambition, and disorder.

As God worked the soil in my heart, I felt raw and vulnerable. I thought of all the times I had engaged in, what I felt were, discussions. Robust and exciting and interesting times of back-and-forth; words flying; not stopping to catch my breath; whipping in the wind; full-out, entertaining, healthy discussions.

What is the difference between these times and what He was surely now convicting me of - the fact that I am sometimes a poor listener?

The difference is fear. When I am a poor listener, my motivation for moving the conversation along is fear. So simple, and yet so complex. Fear of being told what to believe, fear that my silence in listening will be perceived as agreement, fear that I won't know what to do with what I am hearing, fear of being inadequate. The list is long. Fear loves to get a grip on us. But perfect love casts out fear (1John 4:18).

As I finished my errands, I realized I had about 25 extra minutes before I had to be at work. I stopped at my favourite coffee shop to get in a little reading. I am reading a great book about the purpose of the church. God so loves to hear and answer our prayers - and he would answer my prayer for wisdom on this issue with great speed.

This is what I read:

Dialogue is like setting a wonderful table covered with a delightful assortment of food to which we welcome others to join. Often when people are invited to a meal, they wonder what the host wants from them.  They become suspicious that the host has an agenda or that there is something he or she wants to sell us; so the guests go cautiously, with reservation. It's nice to be invited, but they wonder what it's really about.
....To genuinely build relationships of trust in which others will become ready to risk and talk with us about who they are, what they think, and their tentative dreams that have long been locked away inside, we need to sit around a meal table on more than one occasion until the others begin to sense that they are not the subject of our agenda. This is what dialogue is about: it is the context in which the freedom and imagination of the Holy Spirit have the potential of coming to speak among ordinary people who have long believed that they cannot possibly be the clay jars that bear God's future.
(The Missional Church - Alex Roxburgh and Scott Boren)

There was also a chart with some Rules of Dialogue.
1....lay out expectations from the beginning...
2. The first three responses to one another should come in the form of questions for clarification rather than giving reasons why someone's comments or ideas are wrong or won't work.
3. ...create an environment in which everyone knows they are being heard and understood.
4. Listen to the others by letting them finish what they are saying rather than jumping into the middle of their comments....
5. Resist announcing conclusions or solutions that try to fix things.

Each of these pierced my heart like an arrow. I have truly broken every one of these rules. Probably today (and it's barely afternoon.) But God's brutal truth to us always comes with something to soften the blow. Here, he has given me a solution, not merely an accusation. He genuinely believes in me. He believes I can change and become a better listener. He believes I am a clay jar that bears His future, His image. And, Voila!, less than 2 hours after my fervent prayer for wisdom from above, I have laid out for me in clear words, a simple plan to become a better listener.

Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear. Isaiah 65:24

Only God can hear and answer without this process. He knows us so intimately already. I make a mockery of that when I assume I know another person's heart without listening. I am not God.

I will be practising these Rules of Dialogue. More importantly, I will remember to ask for wisdom that comes from above. Pray for me, friends.