leaning hard

I'm reading a book by Isobel Kuhn. In it, she categorizes times in her life by describing how she felt - "when all my little candleflames were blown out," and "small harrassments," and "overcoming obstacles." I would describe this time in my life as "leaning hard" because I feel that I am leaning hard upon God. Sometimes my relationship with Him is lovely and intimate. Sometimes it is enlightening or inspiring. Right now, though, I am feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. Mostly I am feeling overwhelmed mentally and emotionally - even though I am also physically very, very busy. When I feel this way - when I just feel sort of blah and uninspired, that is when I most need my relationship with God; with Jesus. I am leaning heavily on Him every day in the little things. I might say, "Oh God, please give me the strength to just get through this day," or "Lord, I am feeling so dumpy today, I need your grace to show kindness." And there is such a comfort in Him. It makes me wonder how people cope who don't have a relationship with Jesus. That sweet comfort of knowing He will never change. He will love me the same when I am "unloveable" as when I am wonderful and gracious. And He does give me the mental, emotional, and, yes, physical strength to get through each day. I have been taught, since I was a child, how to show kindness to others even when I don't feel like it; how to be gracious even when my feelings are hurt. And I can do these things for a limited amount of time. But, when I reach the end of my own strength, God gives true strength. Oh, how I wish I could learn to access His strength sooner. It is so much deeper than mine. But even when I wait until the very last second, He is right there, waiting to bear me up. This time of leaning hard upon God is difficult. I am constantly being challenged. But even in this time, this struggle, I wouldn't change it if I could. God allows me to see the "big picture" just enough to know that I need this. And that is His love to me.

I feel as though I didn't communicate the solid comfort that God is to me right now; the true strength He gives. Maybe it cannot be communicated in words.